her, too.
“Dad, we still need you.” I wasn’t sure I could handle this. The ground beneath me wasn’t stable, and I needed my dad.
But wouldn’t I always? Wasn’t that the sad truth of this relationship of ours? I would never be okay with losing my father.
“And I’ll be here.” He put a hand right above my heart. “I’ll always live here. I’ll be with you the way my mum and dad were with me. This is the natural way of things. It’s time to take my place. That door is open. It’s been with me the whole time, you know. It hovers close, always there if I want to use it, but it’s open wide now. It’s telling me it’s time. I’m not afraid of it. That’s the funny thing. I’m afraid to not go through it.”
I wanted to beg him to stay. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t ready to lose him, wasn’t ready to be without my dad. I could do it. I could plead with him, guilt him into staying with me.
“Are you sure?” was the only question that came out of my mouth.
He nodded slowly. “You’re safe. My grandkids are safe. I know you’ve got a battle ahead of you, but if there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that you will win. You and Danny and Devinshea. You won’t stop, and you three will make things right. No one can stop my girl when she decides to fight. And you’ll figure out which battle is worth fighting and which one is futile.”
He was telling me what they all had been, and yet somehow when he said it, I felt the truth.
“You don’t think I can go back and fix it, do you, Daddy?” I could barely see for the tears streaming down my face.
“No, my love, you cannot, and deep inside you know it. You can’t fix it any more than I could fix what you had to go through. And your children—the ones you’re trying to save—they wouldn’t have you go back, either. They know there is only one way to move and that is forward. Love them for the amazing people they are now. You gave them a family even when you were gone. You had people who were so loyal to you that they gave years of their lives to love and support your children. You were there. You were there every time Albert tucked them in. Every time Sasha taught them a lesson on how to survive. You were there when Neil played games with them and when Trent fought for them. If Sarah could have, she would have mothered your children with every piece of her soul. Even when Zack and Lisa were aching with what happened to him, they took your children in and gave them everything they had. You built that network, and it was there when your children needed it. You will never get over the loss of those years. But don’t cost yourself a day more with regret.”
I had to let it go. I didn’t want to. I wanted to fool myself that I could fix it, but some things can’t be made “right.” I had been in a haze of guilt and loss, but my father’s words pierced that veil. I couldn’t go back. If I did I threatened the whole world, including my children. My grief seemed endless, but my joy could be, too, if I only held on and got through the pain.
My children were alive. They’d survived. They’d stayed a family. I couldn’t protect them from pain, couldn’t wrap them up and ensure nothing bad ever happened to them. If I did, I also kept them from a real life because no one got out pain free.
I would honor their resilience, their survival. I would look to the future, to what we could build from here. Myrddin had taken the building that housed us happily for years, but that wasn’t our home.
Home was wherever we were together, and he couldn’t take that from us.
“I wish you could have known this baby.” I put my hand to my belly where my child with Daniel was growing.
My dad’s lips curved up. “Oh, I know her. She’s strong like her mum. She’s smart and loyal and true. She’s going to have Daniel’s eyes and that razor-sharp mind of his. She’s going to be as kind as Devinshea, and as witty as you. She’s going to bring light into the world. And she’ll be