And I think maybe it would just be better if I’m alone forever.
Hot tears prick at my eyes, and my mom gives me a gentle pat on the arm, uncertain how to address the turmoil inside my head.
“It’s okay, honey,” she assures me. “We’ll find out who did this.”
“It’s not that—” My voice breaks, and try as I might, I can’t allow another lie to spill from my lips. I can’t tell her I’m okay when I’m not. “I think I’m ready to talk.”
Worry creeps into her eyes. “What is it, Kail? You know you can tell me anything.”
My hands knot together in my lap. “I think I really screwed things up.”
“There’s nothing that can’t be fixed,” she says softly. “Let’s talk it through.”
“You asked me if that night at Landon’s party was the reason I went back to Hawaii.”
Her body turns to stone beside me. I’m not even sure she’s breathing or blinking anymore. She’s been waiting so long for me to open up about this. Her hands begin to tremble, and I know she’s scared about what I might tell her. I’m scared too. She might not ever look at me the same way again, but I can’t keep it inside me anymore. It’s been eating me up, and I have to let it out. I have to tell the truth, so I can finally be free.
“That night I went to the party, I couldn’t remember what happened,” I admit. “I drank, and we played this stupid game, and I kissed Landon.”
I tell her the rest in broken fragments. About waking up confused. The markers. The clothes. Everything. My emotions break free, and my mother envelops me in her shuddering arms. She’s crying too. I can feel the moisture on her face. I’m scared she’s going to be so ashamed, but I can’t stop now. I just need to get the poison out.
I go on to explain how I felt betrayed. Like Landon didn’t protect me somehow, or I made a mistake, but I couldn’t admit it. I was so humiliated, and everyone at BMA turned against me.
I tell her how I planned to come back here and get my revenge on all of them. Every dirty, ugly, awful thing I did spills free from my lips. When there’s nothing bad left to tell her, I admit that I made a mistake. Nothing happened the way I thought, and I ended up hurting Landon and so many others because I couldn’t see that.
“Kail.” My mom’s voice fractures as she tries to hold it together. “This is not okay. Someone could have drugged you.”
“I know,” I choke out. “I’ve thought of that. But I poured my own drink. The bottle and the juice were sealed. So it doesn’t make any sense.”
She’s quiet for a long moment, considering something before she voices it. “Have you actually talked to Landon about what he remembers from that night? Or Carson?”
“No.” I look down at my twisted hands. “I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Carson said there was something he wanted to tell me, but I didn’t want to hear it.”
“I wish you’d told me,” she whispers. “I should have been there with you.”
“I was too embarrassed,” I admit.
“Honey, this is not your fault.” She squeezes me tighter.
I hug her back, and it feels like a brick wall just crumbled around my heart. I’m lighter now. Still fragile, but the anger I felt so strongly before is little more than a flicker. I think this is what they call a healing moment.
“Do you…” She clears her throat and steels her voice. “Do you hate Landon? I want you to be honest because if you don’t want him around—”
I shake my head forcefully. As mad and hurt as I am over the way things ended, I still feel protective of him. He needs this family in his life, and I refuse to take away the only real mother figure he has.
“It wasn’t his fault,” I say. “I understand that now. I think we’re both still a little bruised over that night. He can’t get over what I did. The way I blamed him—”
Mom wipes the tears from my cheeks, her eyes shining with so much pain I know she wishes she could fix it all for me. “My sweet daughter. How I wish I could have helped both of you. If I’d known…”
“I was just too ashamed to tell you,” I confess. “I was worried you would be disappointed in me.”