glass when he went to the bathroom, just so my lips could touch the same place his had been. Long, meandering descriptions of his face and eyes and moody personality I could never quite decode. Embarrassing dreams I’d had about him that first summer. And then, eventually, the details of that night. If someone accessed my journal app, they’d have all that information. There’s no telling what they might do with it, and every morning, I find myself frantically googling to check that they haven’t shared that as well.
My mother waited until I was home from the hospital before she started interrogating me too. I couldn’t deny it now. As soon as she read the word tutor, she knew the unidentified girl at the party was me. She’s asked me multiple times if that’s why I left, but I haven’t been able to answer her. When she asked me if there was something she should know about Landon, I was emphatic that there wasn’t. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea. Not after I screwed things up so bad in the first place.
She asked me once if I leaked the story, and it horrified me that anyone might think that. I told her about the tablet and camera situation, and she made an appointment the next afternoon to have security installed. None of us can believe it’s come to this. Black Mountain is supposed to be safe. My mom isn’t the sort of person to lock up her house, but now, I guess she has to be.
The days go by slowly, leaving me with more questions than answers. The only thing I have to look forward to are Court’s regular visits when she updates me on all the current news. Carson is supposedly a wreck since Landon left, and he’s been missing a lot of school. And Audrey has taken over as captain of the dance squad, gleefully, from what I hear. During my absence, Jared has returned to school but not the football team. Apparently, his parents are being real assholes about everything. But on his eighteenth birthday, he left the wilderness program voluntarily, and now he’s couch-surfing at some of his friends’ places while he finishes senior year. The thought makes me sick with guilt, and I know I need to make amends somehow. What he said hurt me, but it didn’t give me the right to upend his entire life.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even blame him at this point if he was the one who bashed my ankle in. My list of enemies has never been longer, and I’m exhausted just thinking about the possibilities.
I won’t be able to dance again this year. The doctors aren’t confident that my ankle won’t cause me problems for the rest of my life. Theo, being Theo, hired the best of the best. I’ve seen specialists that take years and connections to get appointments with. But they all say the same thing. Only time will tell.
My bones are mending slowly, but some things never will. Whoever said time heals all wounds obviously never met Landon Blackwood. After I heard him and Audrey together and cried about a million tears, I tried to patch up my armor and fortify my heart. But try as I might, I could no longer find even an ounce of hatred for him anymore. Now there’s just pain. So much pain.
In another life, maybe we could have worked things out. If there was no party that summer night, and there weren’t any misunderstandings or miscommunications between us. But this is the lifetime that fate decided to throw us together. Lightning and gun powder. It was never meant to be. The truth is, loving him is like lighting yourself on fire and hoping you don’t burn to death. Because Landon and I can’t love each other without destroying each other too.
He can’t see past his wounds to believe anything I say. And now, I can’t see past what he did with Audrey. What we had was special. I know he felt it too. But he went to her and washed it all away. I can’t forget that final cut, and I can’t forgive.
I’ve tried to imagine myself, ten years from now, living my life with a different man. We’d be happy, somehow. Maybe have a couple of kids, maybe not. But in that image, the love never feels as profound. Instead of a bonfire, it’s a flickering candle. Second best. Anyone else will always be second best.