Pretty Sweet - Christina Lee Page 0,38

get my thoughts together.

When I walked back into the bedroom, Seth was already dressed and looking a bit unsure of himself.

“You got somewhere you need to be?” I asked, trying not to sound too disappointed. Guess I hoped to feed him again at least.

He motioned to his cell. “I’m gonna head over to Jesse’s place in a couple of hours so we can go to the mall for some stuff. How about you?”

“I’m going to check on Mom, help her assemble a dresser and whatever else she needs,” I replied, following him to the front door, where he slid back into his sneakers. “You’re more than welcome to come along. I mean, if your plans fall through.”

He hesitated a moment, as if considering it. “Thanks. For everything. I should head home to shower. Tell Bonnie I’ll see her soon.”

The moment he left, I felt strangely hollow. I forced myself to make coffee and eat breakfast before texting Mom to see if she was okay. I wasn’t the only one who needed to get used to the quiet.

15

Seth

I was a lying liar who lied.

I had zero plans with Jesse, though I wished I had. And while I wanted to call him, I forced myself not to because I couldn’t go to Jesse every time I needed something. He had his own life and a boyfriend.

The thing was, I couldn’t do that with Jake either. I mean…I wanted more nights like last night. His arms around me had felt different than Jesse’s ever had. Jesse never felt like more than a comforting friend to me, but Jake…Jake I was attracted to. And they were definitely different from Colton’s, who hadn’t wanted to comfort. He’d wanted to get off and hadn’t cared about me.

The strength of Jake’s hold had been consoling, caring. He’d asked, not pushed. I’d wanted to burrow as deep as I could and taste his lips and have him touch me in ways I’d longed to be touched but was too afraid to allow to happen.

So yeah, I wanted all that, minus the nightmare and minus anyone feeling like they had to take care of me. When Jesse moved out, I’d vowed to take care of myself. I wanted Jake to want me because he desired me, not because I couldn’t get over the past, though I appreciated he’d been there. I’d needed to be held last night.

But the way he’d looked at me when he’d asked if I meant his first crush on a girl, that had me twisted up and confused. He’d been hard, and it was the first time I’d felt an erection against me except Colton’s or Jesse’s—though I didn’t count Jesse’s because I knew that had never been out of desire, but simply biology.

Which was what I’d convinced myself was the situation with Jake too, even if I wished it wasn’t. I also knew I needed to put some space between us, because I was crushing a little too hard, and as kind as he was, I knew I would be the one to get hurt.

I couldn’t turn his niceness, his caretaker nature into anything more than what it was.

But I wanted it to be more. It was hard to crave things physically, while mentally knowing you wouldn’t let yourself have them. Anytime I thought about being with someone, I remembered feeling uncomfortable and nervous, like I was way out of my depth when it came to intimacy. Because obviously Colton hadn’t liked me, not the way I liked him. He just wanted to get off and thought he could take advantage of me. Like I was only a warm body to him. A means to an end.

I wondered if there was something wrong with me when it came to sex, because I’d liked Colton yet I’d freaked out on him. I wanted to hear Jesse’s sex stories, and wanted sex myself, but I was afraid I’d change my mind or get scared and lead someone on the way I’d done with Colton. God, I was a mess.

And because I was feeling especially raw, of course that was when my mother called. That was the way it always went.

I sat down on the couch as I answered, “Hello, Mother.” I tried to imagine Jake calling Bonnie Mother, and it didn’t compute.

“Hello, Seth. You haven’t called in a little while, so I wanted to check on you.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you keeping busy? Idle hands—”

“I know. I’m always busy. I’ve been volunteering at an assisted living facility. I