us to make this change. Everything has pointed us to that church, so we feel it’s a sign from God.”
Yes, I can shamelessly speak the lingo of this particular culture.
Unfortunately.
And I’m not finished. I need to sauce it up a little. “We’re hoping that the extra time together, and the reduced stress of this weekly drive, will…help things out.” I offer another smile and when some of the sisters start nodding, I know I’ve won this already.
I sense Olivia fuming next to me but she bites her tongue.
“When we talked to the minister again last week and prayed on it with him,” I say, “we felt that it was our duty to make this change to hopefully help fill the empty space in our lives.”
Her father nods, meaning it’s a done deal. “I respect you for taking this step, Ward. I know how tiring this journey’s been for you.”
“Thank you, Dad. I mean, it’s not like you won’t ever see us again. We’ll still come to some of the family dinners.” I smile down at Olivia and she forces herself to smile back up at me. “She was scared this might upset all y’all, so I told her I’d be the one to take charge and let everyone know. It is my duty, after all.”
And like that, that’s how I managed to piss off my wife and simplify my life, all at the same time.
Bonus.
Ten minutes later, when we’re in the car and heading home, she wastes no time blasting me. “How could you fucking do that, Ward?”
“Do what? Get you out of something you yourself have bitched about? Congratulations. I let you wear shorts and tank tops, have a job outside the home, and I just got us out of getting up damned early followed by a minimum of forty-five minutes of driving one-way every flipping Sunday. You’re welcome. You don’t want to go to church with me? That’s fine. I am going to start attending the Methodist church. It’s five minutes away. Just make sure you stay off Facebook and Twitter when we’re supposed to be in church together, or your sisters will be crawling up your ass about it.”
She fumes most of the drive back home, angry-scrolling on her phone, when she finally speaks again. “What if I tell them I’ve changed my mind?” She tips her chin in defiance. “I can tell them I don’t like one of his sermons.”
I shrug. “I would then have a talk with your father and brothers, asking for their advice on how to more tightly take you in hand, since you’re being defiant. I’m sure point one will be all of your family banding together and ordering you to obey me, stay home, and quit working.” I laugh. “Imagine the pile-on your sisters will instigate over that.” I chef’s kiss in her direction. “And your brothers-in-law, too.” I sarcastically shake my head. “You know they will.”
I level a dark gaze at her at the next stoplight. “I mean, we can go there, if you really want to. It means your entire freaking family will be crawling up your ass for you to quit your job and do your wifely duty submitting to me. You will come off as the bad guy, the bad wife—the bad Christian. They will blame you for not trying hard enough, and I will be the one they side with. You really want to go there with me, Olivia? Or you want to, for one fucking time, cut me some slack, here?”
She swallows hard and shuts up.
That’s life with Olivia Madison Callahan, née Smith. It’s like hand-to-hand combat with an enemy soldier.
Don’t tell me I didn’t learn anything from my father—I learned the art of taking no prisoners just fine, thank you very much.
Which is something she doesn’t realize about me. She sees only one side of me. She literally cannot comprehend that I’m gay, because in her world, that doesn’t happen. And I’ve spent plenty of time around her father, brothers, and brothers-in-law shooting the shit with them. I have excellent camouflage and am also fluent in Evangelical Redneck. I fit in.
She thinks she knows me, but she doesn’t know anything about me. Not at all. Not really.
That’s why I let her think I have no teeth.
So that when I do have to bite her, she remembers the lesson well, and backs down quickly, just like her parents taught her.
Then I can once again settle into being a compliant pet she can drag around on