“You know how much I hate it when you talk about yourself like this,” I growl, not allowing myself to look at her, instead squinting my eyes and focusing on the moonlight shining down on the pond in front of us. I grip the edge of the tailgate of my pickup we’re both sitting on. If I do, I’ll want to hold her and she’s made it clear I’m not allowed to do that. At least not in the romantic sense. Sure, she’ll let me hold her hand or drape an arm over her shoulder, as long as it’s friendly. Sadie Jones is everything to me, but she won’t accept what I want to give. Since the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew I wanted her as my girlfriend. But, the most she’s been willing to give is friendship and I’ll take whatever she’s willing to give me.
Her beautiful dark brown eyes have always been haunted from a lifetime of hardness she’s working to overcome. Blonde hair that I’ve never seen her change. Pin straight and down just over her shoulders. I always wonder what she’d look like with it pulled into a ponytail or curled. Shorter or longer. But in a world that’s so often changing on her, it’s one thing she can control. Her mom had moved her and her brother around often. She’d attended eight other schools before they came to Lakeside. Sadie’s friendships were never solid because they didn’t have time to be.
She’s missed out on so many things in her life because her family didn’t have the money for her to participate. The senior ski trip, attending the homecoming dance, or joining our group of friends when we’d buy tickets to a concert. Hell, she doesn’t even have a computer, internet, cable, or her own cell phone. Any extra money they have goes to food or paying bills. There were a few times where she admitted they didn’t have electricity for a few weeks. No hot water.
She didn’t come to our senior prom, despite how many times I begged her to be my date. I wanted to offer to buy her a dress because I knew that was why she refused to go, but I also knew she would be offended if I did. Knowing she wouldn’t be there, I didn’t want to go and told Sadie I wasn’t going, but then her eyes filled with tears and her hands fisted at her sides when she said I was supposed to go, and she’d be mad at me if I didn’t. I have no idea why she cared so much. It made no sense then and it still doesn’t.
So I sucked it up and did what was expected of me — showed up in a tux and accepted my crown as Prom King before sharing a dance with the Prom Queen. The same girl who’d spent the better part of our high school years flirting with me and making it obvious that she wanted a lot more than friendship, and then I escaped as quickly as I could. Before going home that night, I knocked on her bedroom window and the smile she gave me when she pulled back the curtain made my heart clench. She snuck out her window and I caught her as she jumped into my arms. I held her hand tightly in mine and tugged her behind me and hopped in the car, drove, and wished I could have held her hand the entire way and gave her a prom right where we’re sitting now. The place that I’ve come to consider our spot. We slow danced in an empty field of grass and weeds with trees lining the far side and the mountains just beyond while music played softly through the speakers of my mom’s SUV she let me use for the night. It was perfect, but I still wish I’d have gotten to see her in a pretty dress with her hair up. She deserved that, even if she thought differently.
Sadie shrugs, legs kicking back and forth. She’s sitting on the tailgate of the pickup that my grandparents gave me for high school graduation present a few months ago. It’s not brand new or anything, but the way Sadie reacted when I showed up at her home to take her for a ride, you’d think it was. It also made me feel like a million