I was given holiday visits.”
Faith’s hand curled around his. “Then why didn’t you move to Grafton?” The question was an accusation in and of itself. If he couldn’t get Mom to move here … “Why didn’t you come after me?”
Dad’s shoulders fell. “I thought you were better off if I stayed away.”
“Why?” she yelled, unable to hold back the feelings of abandonment that had grown quietly inside of her for decades.
“It was several things. Your mom made visiting hard by changing times at the last minute, being out of the house when I got there, and sometimes not letting me see you at all. I didn’t want you to be a bargaining chip, but your mom felt that you were the ticket to getting what she wanted from me. After a while, I was flat broke and worn down.”
Faith surged to her feet. “So you gave up?” Her hands clenched into fists.
Dad nodded. “I was fighting a losing battle, and it was tearing you up.” He lifted his steel-blue eyes to meet hers. “I loved you enough to step aside.”
She drew her arms to her chest and hugged herself. “I wish you’d kept fighting.” She admitted the deepest desire of her heart in a whisper.
“I know. And I’m so sorry.” He hung his head.
His admission of guilt and his apology hung in the air between them, asking Faith if she’d be willing to accept either. “I need a moment.” She stepped into the hallway and leaned against the wall, needing space to breathe and clear her head. She tipped her head back, staring at the popcorn-textured ceiling. “What am I supposed to do?”
Soft piano music started. She strained to make out the tune: “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Following the sound, she found herself in an empty gathering room. The music wasn’t coming from the piano in the corner but through the speakers. Sitting in a folding chair, Faith pulled out her phone and dialed Caleb. She just wanted to hear his voice.
“Merry Christmas,” he answered.
She warmed at his deep timbre. “I’m not sure how merry it is right now,” she said without the usual pleasantries. She’d had breakfast with this man just this morning while wearing her bathrobe; that gave her the right to jump into a conversation.
“Uh-oh, wanna talk about it?”
She heaved a sigh. “I’m still sorting through some things.”
“How’s your dad?”
“Right now? He’s probably wondering if I’m going to chew him out or hug him.”
“Which one do you want to do?”
“Both.”
“Welcome to having a family.”
She warmed at the way he lightened the mood without making light of her feelings. “He’s sorry for what he did, but I’m not sure I can forgive in the blink of an eye.”
“Do you think he’s just barely sorry?”
She thought on that. “No. He’s felt bad about this for years.”
“And he’ll probably feel bad for a while longer.”
“True.” Guilt like the kind Dad carried didn’t go away with a few words. It had to be rooted out by change and through Jesus. “So what’s holding me back?”
“Change isn’t easy.”
What would she have to change? “No, it’s not.”
“And maybe there’s something you want to say to him that’s hard for you too?”
He pinpointed the problem so easily, it startled her. “Caleb Nichollas, you’re pushing all my buttons right now.”
He chuckled. “Sorry. I’m just being honest with you.”
“I appreciate it. … And I don’t.”
He outright laughed, and she warmed all over. She could do this; she could say the things that were in her heart. Even if Dad pushed her away or whatever—as he was a confessed emotional abandoner, it was a possibility—she’d make it through. “Thanks for talking to me.”
“Anytime.”
“How’s Rudy?” She’d been reluctant to leave him at the ranch, but the reindeer seemed at peace there and ready for a nap.
“He’s itching to get to the workout arena. Any idea of when he’ll be ready?”
“Eyes heal fast. He can try a light workout tomorrow afternoon if you’re willing to help him take it slow.”
“He’ll be thrilled with that. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” She cradled the phone, not wanting this warm feeling to go away.
“You’re stalling, aren’t you?”
She laughed. “Yes, and pointing it out isn’t helping.” Except that he was helping, because she felt better, calmer, and more like herself than she had when she’d walked out of her dad’s room. It was strange how Caleb was the person she wanted to call to talk over her feelings. They’d grown close over the time they’d shared a roof, and she didn’t want that to