she was worth the effort.
She grew uncomfortable in that thought. Like maybe she didn’t give herself enough credit, but why should she give more? Why should she believe she was anything special when neither of her parents had believed that about her?
“Thanks.” She pulled her hand out from under his. “We should check on Rudy and then get some sleep. The pain meds will keep him sedated, but I don’t want to drug him longer than we have to, and that means an early bedtime.”
He glanced around as if just realizing that outside, the sky had grown dark. “I guess that means we had cookies for dinner.”
She swiped one off the plate and took a big bite. “I’m okay with that.”
He laughed. “Somehow, that makes me like you all the more.”
She laughed. “Who wouldn’t like a woman who eats sugar for dinner?” Especially a man who probably believed in elves and talking snowmen. “Come on. I’ll bet your reindeer could use a visit from you about now.”
Caleb followed her out to the clinic, eating three stacked cookies at a time. Which made her wonder if this was his first time having cookies for dinner, or if that was another thing that happened regularly in his life that hadn’t happened in hers.
The problem she had being around him wasn’t that he wasn’t great. He was. He listened without judgment, was easy on the eyes, and made her crave contact like some sort of addict who couldn’t get close enough to him. No, the problem wasn’t Caleb.
The problem was the way he highlighted what she should have had. This wasn’t the first time she’d struggled with this particular realization. In high school, she’d had friends whose parents were still in love and created stability for their children. She’d watched them, soaking in their examples at the same time it made her resent her own parents. Measuring her mother against stay-at-home moms who sewed Halloween costumes and baked cupcakes for their birthdays only made her angry.
She’d thought she’d accepted her lot in life. But today she’d questioned it all once again—including how much she and her attitude played a part in it. Following right on the back of that question was another one: What would her future be like if she continued with this same attitude?
She wasn’t sure she was ready for the answer to that question.
Chapter 18
Faith
Faith crashed her eyes closed against the blaring of the alarm. Five in the morning came awfully early in North Dakota—heavy on the awful.
She slammed the snooze button, groaned, and threw the blankets off. Knowing Caleb was in the house had thrown of her sleep cycle. It wasn’t like she wanted to sneak into his room and watch him sleep or anything creepy like that. And she wasn’t scared that he’d do something like that to her. It was more of this awareness of him. Of the way he smelled: like cookies and aftershave, which was a surprisingly delightful scent. Of the way his eyes sparkled: like a kid’s at Christmas. Of his muscles that rippled and moved under his shirt: like those of an animal ready to pounce. She couldn’t stop thinking about sharing cookies with him and the way he looked at life—her life in particular. He didn’t seem to think she had a horrible childhood, but maybe one that left some questions.
Which made her ask herself if it was as bad as she’d always thought.
Or if she’d just been a pessimist.
She finally determined to ask her Dad about that first Christmas away and find out what had happened. It might not be any of her business why her parents’ marriage had fallen apart; then again, maybe it was, because she was the one who lived with the unasked-for consequences.
Ugh! Her head hurt.
She wrapped up in a robe and slipped her feet into the fur-lined slippers sitting by her bed—another purchase at the feed store—before heading to the kitchen. She turned on the lights and groaned. Being awake wasn’t getting easier. The pounding in her head intensified. That was what she got for crying yesterday. Crying always gave her a headache. She figured it was God’s way of telling her to find other ways to deal with things. But maybe it was His way of telling her she was meant to be a happy person in this life.
She glanced around at the decorations Caleb had put up yesterday. Maybe, if she could give Christmas a try, really open her heart to it, she’d find