with a train set that Santa had just brought. “Do you miss him?” Her voice held a hush of reverence.
Emotion clogged his throat. “Every day.”
She turned to him, her jade eyes deep with melancholy. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For your pain and loss.” Her voice hitched. “For everything that happened afterwards.”
He gathered her hands in his, wishing he could erase the tension from her beautiful face. “It’s not your fault.”
“I know,” she croaked. “But I’m still sorry.” She rushed on. “I’m sorry for what it did to us. Had it not happened, I never would’ve gone away and married Kyle.” Regret pressed a heavy cloak against the air.
“And you wouldn’t have had Aiden,” he interjected.
She took in a breath. “I know.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “Everything just got so crazy between us.”
“Let’s sit down,” he suggested.
They sat down close enough so that their knees were touching. A brief smile floated over Noelle’s lips. “I see your mother’s still into knitting.” She shifted around to touch the colorful afghan draped over the back of the couch.
“Yes,” he said, his thoughts going right back to Justin. He took in a breath as he steepled his hands, resting the tips of his fingers beneath his chin.
Compassion simmered in Noelle’s eyes. “We don’t have to talk about this.”
“Yes, we do. I wanna talk about it.” His words came out hoarse as he coughed. “I want to clear the air between us, once and for all.”
The smooth hollow of her neck moved up and down as she swallowed, nodding. She clasped her hands in her lap, eyeing him warily.
It was crazy how quickly a funky tension had gathered between them. The only way to navigate this was to plow straight through the center. “When Justin died, something inside of me broke. The pieces were scattered to the wind, and I didn’t know how to get them back, much less how to put them together again.” Tears rose in his eyes, the familiar anguish wrapping a tight band around his chest. “I was angry at myself, at God, even Justin for dying. I kept thinking … What if I’d left with you that night? Justin would’ve driven himself home.” His throat closed, his words coming out in squeaks. “He’d still be here.” He looked down. Tears slipped from his eyes, dripping onto his shirt and hands. Hastily, he wiped them away. “Sorry,” he croaked.
She placed a hand over his. “It’s okay. It’s me you’re talking to, remember?” The sincerity of her words dispelled some of the gloom. Holden gave her a smile—the one he offered to his players when he needed to bolster their courage by assuring them that all would be well, even when they were up against impossible odds.
They sat in silence for a few beats until Noelle spoke. “You were in a bad place. I couldn’t stand to see you like that. I hated what it did to us.” Her eyes misted as she blinked. He could tell she was fighting hard to contain her emotion. “How did you come back from the darkness?”
“By going back to church and meeting Pastor Charles.”
Noelle’s voice lilted up. “I could tell y’all were close.”
“Pastor Charles was the only one in his office who survived the 9/11 attacks on the Twin Towers.”
“Oh, wow,” she uttered. “That’s terrible.”
“Yeah. He went down a similar path as me, nearly lost his wife and children over it.” He took in a deep breath. “I guess I just needed insight from someone who’d been there, someone to help me navigate my way back. Pastor Charles helped me to understand that trusting in God doesn’t mean that you aren’t upset about the way things are going, or how they went down. It means that you’re willing to accept God’s will over your own. It means trusting in Him, even when you don’t understand why things are happening.” A wry grin tugged at his lips. “It sounds so easy for me to sit here and declare that I trust in God, but I suppose the application of the principle is something that I’ll have to keep working on for the rest of my life.”
She pushed out a soft grunt. “You and me both.” Regret deepened her eyes. “I—I’m sorry I wasn’t there. Maybe if I’d stood by you, if I hadn’t been so hasty to get out of town. I just couldn’t stand to see you drinking. And then when I found out about the other women …”
“You were justified in leaving.” He chuckled