rich doctor, but not when you’re a scared teenager. Where would I have found out about that stuff? I was terrified. Terrified of giving birth, of being a mum, of being on my own. One night I was in the kitchen fighting with Nonna, and I suddenly saw everything clearly. I loved my baby so much I wouldn’t let it eke out an existence like I had, where there was little love and too much control. My child deserved better than I could give him. I had nothing to offer. Certainly not a good life with a loving family. The kind of family I’d always dreamed of having.’
She nodded at Max as he dropped the box onto the floor and walked to the other side of the room. ‘The kind you dreamed of too, eh? I didn’t know what to do with a baby.’
‘You can learn. There are books.’ His jaw tensed and his lip curled. God, he really did hate her.
She’d never ever told anyone else about this but she actually felt lighter by telling him. She was utterly broken, but blown wide open.
‘Nonna arranged a meeting with a private adoption agency who gave me files on couples who wanted a baby of their own. I chose one couple who sounded nice. But they were celebrities, the document said. They were desperate and they wanted a closed adoption to keep things from getting to the press. I realised, in the end, that was probably my best option. I wouldn’t be able to watch someone else love him. It would break my heart to visit but not be able to have him with me. And I would never take him away from them, so they convinced me to give him up as quickly as possible, as it was best for all concerned.’
Max leaned on the back of a chair, watched her from a distance, his gaze damning. He said nothing. She looked for a glimmer of understanding, but there was nothing but a taut stance and tight fists.
‘In the hospital I held him for a few lovely hours. It was just me and him. I held him tight and told him over and over how much I loved him, how I wanted him to be strong and kind and happy. How proud I was of him already.’ How I was so, so sorry, but it truly was for the best. That I loved him so much I had to give him away. There had simply been no other choice. The only way to be the best mum had been to give him to someone who could provide more than she ever could have.
Her lips wouldn’t stop trembling. She bit them together. Tried to control herself. Relaxed her shoulders and finally let out the pain that had haunted her for a decade, and that she knew she would never shake.
‘He was perfect, Max. So tiny. So beautiful. I gave him his own name, his name for a day: Joseph. My baby, Joe. I sang him a lullaby. Wrapped him in a blanket I’d bought—it’s in box zero if you really need to know—just so I could have his smell with me for a bit longer. I spent those last minutes with him looking over his features, his tiny body, his little snub nose, at those teeny little fingernails. So I would never forget how he looked, what he felt like. So I would have something of his to remember him always. Just a snapshot in my head, but it’s as clear today as it was then.’
How she would say the next words she didn’t know. But she had to. She inhaled deeply and stilled the shaking in her voice. The bright ball of pain in her throat burned and prickled and throbbed. ‘I pressed my lips to his perfect mouth and kissed him, and he gurgled. His baby voice was like sunshine, I didn’t know he would sound so beautiful. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so much love for someone I’d only just met.
‘But then they came, and I told him again over and over how much I loved him. I loved him, Max. I hadn’t got to know him, but it was there already, this immense and overpowering feeling for him. I loved him so much. That was all there was for me—my love for him. There was nothing else. Nothing. And then I handed him over. It was like a light going out in my soul.’
Just