me in a few weeks and decide he was in love with somebody else who’s completely unobtainable.”
He leaned closer, his palm against River’s cheek. He lifted River’s chin, encouraging him to meet his gaze. “But none of that matters. What matters is that I love you, River. I love only you.” He was getting through to him, he could tell. He could see the doubt and anger in River’s eyes, but also the desire to believe. “I’ve never been as happy as I am with you. I don’t even have words for what you’ve given me. I feel like there’s this whole new, better version of me that I’m only now discovering, and that’s all because of you. It’s all because you allow me to be that person. And nobody else could ever give me that. There is nothing in this world that could make me betray that.”
“I want to believe you.”
“But?”
River sighed. “It’s Gray. Jesus. Of all the guys in the world who had to fall in love with you, why him?”
Phil smiled. He wanted to laugh, but it didn’t seem like the time. “Okay. Let’s say the tables were turned. Let’s say Gray drove up here this afternoon to tell you he’d been in love with you since the day you met. Would you be packing your bags right now? Would you be on your way to his house for a whole new life with him?”
“No!” River’s response was instinctive. Forceful. But the minute he said it, he stopped, as if replaying it in his mind. Analyzing how quickly and adamantly it had come. “No,” he said again, more thoughtful this time. “Of course not.”
“And why not?” Phil asked, knowing that River was finally seeing it.
“Because I love you, not him.”
“Exactly.” He unbuttoned the top of River’s shirt and opened it so he could touch the silver collar River wore. The loop at River’s throat allowed him to attach it to the chain on the wall, but as fate would have it, it was exactly the right size for Phil to hook his finger through. “This,” Phil said, tugging on the collar. “This is what matters.”
River sighed again. “Yes, Teacher.”
He understood, and yet there was still that hint of anger. That little piece of him that felt betrayed.
“Talk to me,” Phil said. “Don’t hold back. Anything you want to say. Anything you want to ask. You can yell. You can be angry. Just get it out into the open. Because if you ignore it, this will be the beginning of doubt for you, and that’s the last thing I want.” He leaned his forehead against River’s, tugging at the collar to remind River it was there. To remind him what it meant to them both. “I will do absolutely anything. I’ll sit here reassuring you all night, if that’s what you need me to do.”
And he would. He hadn’t betrayed River. Not really. But that didn’t mean River didn’t feel betrayed, and Phil would never belittle that feeling, especially not given River’s past. He knew from their talks that this was the kind of incident Terrence would have brushed off. Terrence would have told River he was overreacting, to get over it, to stop being so dramatic.
Phil wouldn’t do that to him. Not ever.
River searched his eyes. “Are we still on green?”
“Yes.”
River swallowed. He rose onto his knees. One hand moved slowly up Phil’s arm to settle on the back of his neck. He was understandably hesitant. This was so rare—so completely unfamiliar, to have a green light here, in their home. And so different to have to navigate insecurity and doubt where such obstacles had never existed between them before.
“Green,” Phil said again, wanting to reassure him.
River’s kiss was slow and gentle. Even now, he expected Phil to pull back. To apply rules and limits. He undoubtedly expected to be told to slow down, or to allow Phil to be on top because he was uncomfortable being pinned under another man’s weight. And River was so careful at all times, so cautious of tipping Phil back into the panic that sometimes overtook him when he gave up control.
Letting go of the reins scared him, but not nearly as much as the thought of losing River.
“Green,” Phil whispered again, pulling River down onto him, onto the bed. River’s head spun, all the emotions of the night warring with his shock at being allowed such freedom. He could count on one hand the number of times Phil had let