rage, but he loved this. He complained about my grandmother and me—spit in my face all the time about what a burden I was—but he didn’t actually want me gone. He needed this.
“I can’t,” I whispered, unable to do more, because my voice shook so badly.
He yanked his belt out of the loops, and I knew what was coming. There was no way to stop it, because he didn’t want to.
“You will.”
I stood there, halfway between wanting to cry and wanting to run. It would only make the punishment sweeter for him if I made him work for it. Screw him.
“I won’t.”
“You will!”
“I can’t wear a swimsuit because of the bruises!” I blurted out.
He paused, the belt dangling from his hand, and I couldn’t even hear him breathe.
Yeah.
That was why I quit swimming. My face wasn’t the only thing we had to worry about people seeing. My back, my arms, my thighs… People weren’t stupid, Martin.
I almost wanted to look up, to see what—if anything—played across his face. Worry, maybe? Guilt?
Whatever he felt, he had to know we weren’t coming back from this. It was real now. No matter the apologies, the presents, the smiles or hugs, I would never forget what he did to me.
So why stop now, right, Martin?
Darting out, he grabbed my wrist, growling as he threw me into the table. I squeezed my eyes shut as I bent in half over the top, my palms and forehead meeting the top.
And when the first strike came down, I fought the tears.
But I couldn’t fight the cries coming up from my throat as the strap landed again and again. He was angry now and going harder than normal. It hurt.
He wouldn’t fight the issue again, though. He knew I was right.
I couldn’t wear a swimsuit.
After he left, I laid there for a moment, shaking with the pain slicing through my back.
God, just make it stop.
I whimpered as I shifted, thankful that I hadn’t cried out, and I reached over, picking up my cell phone and turning it to see my grandmother still asleep on the screen.
Tears hung at the rims of my eyes.
She was lucid less and less, so it was getting easier to hide this shit from her. Thank God.
His shower ran upstairs, and he wouldn’t be back down for a long time. Tomorrow, we’d wake up, pass each other silently before heading to work and school, and he’d be home early in the afternoon, being the one to make us dinner for a change. He’d be gentle and quiet and then start some topic of discussion at the table about touring a college that I was interested in, which he normally wouldn’t indulge and had no intention of indulging in by the time the weekend road trip was set to happen. I might be able to breathe for a week before I knew the novelty of our “wonderful sibling relationship” would wear off, and he was primed to relapse again.
Like an addict.
Like a disease.
But now, I didn’t know. This week had been bad. There had been less breathing room in between now and last time.
In a daze, I found my glasses and slowly cleaned up the mess we’d made, finished the dishes, and put all the leftovers away before turning off the light and grabbing my bag.
I slipped my phone into the satchel, but as I rounded the stairs and took the first step up, I stopped.
She was still asleep. Maybe for the rest of the night. I could watch her on my phone from anywhere.
I shouldn’t leave, though. My back hurt, my hair was a mess, and I still hadn’t changed out of my uniform.
But instead of going up to finish my homework, I backed away, as if on autopilot. Picking up my shoes, I slipped out the door and ran, not even stopping to put on my sneakers. The rain pummeled my hair, my clothes, and my legs, my bare feet splashing through rain on the sidewalk as I raced back up the street, around the corner, and toward the village.
I didn’t care that I’d left her window open. She loved the rain. Let her hear it.
I didn’t care that my bag and books and homework were probably getting soaked.
I made another right and saw the glow of the square ahead and stopped running, finally able to breathe. I drew in breath after breath, the cool air in my lungs and the rain plastering my clothes to my skin almost making me smile.
The marquee