to take the blame if Daniel was the cause of it happening. If he did something inadvertently. She would have done it to save his career, to show she loved him, and she would have done it for future patients whose lives he would undoubtedly save. But he hadn’t given her that option. He had taken the choice away, thereby destroying her. Letting his lie be her fault. If she hadn’t been there it wouldn’t have happened, he’d said. He had to have something to blame it on.
She’d nursed a woman once in the emergency theatre who’d been brought in with a fractured jaw after being assaulted by her husband. Tess remembered her blackened swollen eyes and split upper lip, both old and fresh bruising on her thin body, and hearing her crying and saying it was her fault. She was to blame for his behaviour. Believing that after being brainwashed by him.
Do they ever stop? she had asked Anne last night, and Anne had given her an honest answer. Not always. What Anne didn’t say was how many of the victims survived, or how many of these violent criminals were locked away because they killed their victims.
Her husband was a highly intelligent man. He knew right from wrong. What wasn’t clear was whether all of his brain agreed. Whether one part disagreed and was operating against the good part. Evidence had already shown her that something was wrong with his mind, but the question was, how wrong? Was he feeling guilty after what he’d done? Or was he without a guilty conscience and had no problem committing an immoral act? If that was so there was no hope for him.
She tensed as she came out of the bathroom and heard sounds from the kitchen. He was filling the kettle with water. Settling her hair around her neck to cover the bruising, she joined him. He was dressed and showered, his hair damp, and when he turned and saw her he looked at her with concern.
‘You look tired. Did you not go to bed?’
She reached into a cupboard and took out a small teapot, knowing that he liked to see things done properly and would frown at a teabag in a cup.
‘I fell asleep on the sofa,’ she said softly.
She stiffened when he put a hand on her shoulder and kissed the back of her neck.
‘You silly thing. That’s how you get unwell. Not sleeping properly in a bed.’
Her throat clogged from the strain of having this conversation. Was he suffering from amnesia or just ignoring what happened last night? His behaviour was unfathomable. Tess wished he’d just leave her be and go play golf, if that’s what he was intending. This attempt at showing affection and concern wasn’t working. It was shredding her emotions to pieces. She wished she could hate him completely, could forget what she’d loved and lost, after she saw that look of hatred in his eyes.
She had deluded herself that there was love in them when they married. He had just acted as if he loved her so she would fall in love with him, by pretending to be someone he wasn’t. His love and kindness had felt so real. Had it all been just a huge pretence, or had his mind unhinged when they moved to this house? Tess didn’t have answers. She just knew the man she fell in love with was gone.
She willed herself to stand still as his arms wrapped around her and he hugged her against him.
‘You looked stunning last night. Vivien should take lessons from you. She should try fawning less. It’s not an attractive quality.’ He kissed her cheek, and then, mocking Vivien’s high-pitched voice, he said, ‘Do take care of yourself, Tess, and mind out for any strangers.’
When he finally left and the front door closed behind him, Tess wet a teacloth and rubbed her cheek hard. This wasn’t living. She was only alive in the sense that her body was breathing and her heart was beating. Supposing she never cleared her name and this life was now forever? Would she really want to carry on, forever thinking about what he had done? She knew already her answer. She would end it. And the only person she would consider would be Sara.
She would do it somewhere private where it would look like an accident. Or else Sara would suffer, forever thinking she should have done more or should have stayed. It would be much better to have