I can’t ask him to leave with me because his past is his past no matter where we live. No matter which jurisdiction or court of law we abide by, I risk losing her.
My choices are not few. My choices are not at all.
No matter where I go, I know my heart will always be his. And I know, once he gets over this, once he moves on from what I’m about to do, I know a man like him won’t be alone very long. Maybe he’ll go back to Ardeo, drown himself in women. And though the thought is crushing and makes me want to throw down against any woman who would look at him, never mind use him, could I ever really blame him for going back there?
I should take solace in the fact that love will find him at some point, because a man as good as him deserves to love and be loved. He might fall in love a dozen times, he might marry, he might have children of his own. Maybe even a bushel of them. God knows he deserves to be on the receiving end of such unconditional love. And he has such a capacity to give. I should find solace, but I don’t.
Forcing myself to rise from Lulu’s bed, I shove Norman under my arm, and cross over to the dresser to pull out more of her clothes. My face in the mirror is . . . fucking wretched. Mascara-streaked cheeks and a red nose but my expression is tortured. Desolate. And no more than I deserve.
I swallow back the rising tide of emotion before it threatens to drown me. If the punishment fits the crime, maybe I’ll drown in my own tears of self-pity.
I swing away from the mirror, despairing how I’ll ever manage to tell him.
A man like Carson Hayes will find love again, though he might grow to hate me. Or he might never ever think of me again. Meanwhile, I know my heart is truly breaking. But I have to leave. Today. Now. Get on a flight because I can’t risk staying.
But my heart will stay here. It will always be a part of him.
CARSON
The front door slams closed behind me and I slip off my jacket, awkwardly swapping a box of donuts between my hands as I do. The donuts are for Lulu. They’re a reward for protecting my virtue this morning.
Who hits on someone in a schoolyard?
Single moms, apparently. At least, I hope she was single. Not that it matters either way to me because there’s only one woman I want hitting on me. And biting on me. Scratching me a little . . .
I love it all. And I love my little family.
I’ve had a good day. A fruitful day. A day digging for dirt. And it turns out my brother’s fiancée is the daughter of a preacher man. Not any old humble preacher, but the owner of a mega church in Texas, the kind that might make a list on Forbes if it wasn’t for the fact their dealings are shrouded in mystery. A church with multiple campuses and its own dedicated TV channel and with tens of thousands of members, each more faithful than the last, and each more generous.
Owning a mega church must be like winning the lottery every Sunday, watching those coffers roll in. While Melly was attractive, I now see where my brother’s devotion truly comes from.
And right there is a bargaining chip.
He’s not going to risk losing that.
Dropping the donuts on the countertop, I’m whistling a happy tune to myself, because that’s how I feel, when I hear something drop to the floor from somewhere deeper in the apartment. I’m pretty sure it’s not the cleaning crew’s day and Annie, the old housekeeper, is visiting her sister in Long Island. I know because I sent a car to take her.
“Fee?” I call, my footsteps echoing though the hallway.
“I’m just in the bathroom.” As I walk into our bedroom, her answer comes from the adjoining bathroom. Our bedroom was her bedroom, the master bedroom lying abandoned in favour of the one next to Lulu’s room. The princess suite. That’s not to say Fee and I haven’t had use for the master bathroom with its bath big enough for two.
A hot bath and a couple of fingers is just the thing to help you wind down with.
That’s what I’d said to her that night I found her floating like an ethereal Goldilocks