my spine. “Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?” I say breezily, leaning on the usual lightness that she knows so well from me.
Hoping it’ll work.
But she’s no fool. She presses on. “Yes, but do you want to talk about what happens when we return to Paris?”
I react quickly, dodging. “You go to your flat and I go to the hotel?” I ask, trying cheekiness on once more.
She gives a faint laugh, then studies my expression as if she can figure out what’s rolling through my head. “I think you know that’s not what I mean.”
Ah, she’s seen through me in seconds, and she’s yanked back the curtain.
There’s only one option now. Rely on the practical. “I thought we talked about this already. Did you change your mind?”
She draws a sharp inhale like I’ve hit below the belt.
“Right,” she says, that one word from her lasting a minute.
Maybe I have hit below the belt.
She turns her face away from me, clicks on her tablet, and says, “Let’s go back to the spreadsheet.”
Maybe I’ve dodged a bullet. Or perhaps I’ve fired one. My God, I don’t know how anyone navigates relationships. They’re brutal battlefields.
As the train rattles into Paris, she tries again, setting her hand on my leg. “I had an amazing time with you this week, Daniel.”
“It was incredible,” I say, because that’s the truth. Because I can say that without hurting her.
She’s undeterred, so strong, so determined. “I was hoping that perhaps we might give this thing between us a chance beyond the trip. A chance in Paris,” she says, without guile, laying her cards on the table.
Bloody hell. She’s so fucking amazing. She’s so wonderful, so daring, so fearless. I want her nerves. I want her guts. I want her courage to step into the great unknown.
But I don’t possess them. “I had a feeling you were going there,” I say evenly, trying to avoid hurt—me hurting her, her hurting me.
“And do you not want to? Have I been reading you wrong?”
I want to lie. I want to dance around it. I want to say, Of course you’re reading me wrong. I’m just me, happy-go-lucky, nihilist me.
But she deserves better. She deserves the truth.
I shift in my seat and clasp her face. “I would love to be in a relationship with you, but I fear I would destroy us,” I say heavily, the hard weight of the truth tugging me down.
She blinks, then breathes out hard. “Wow.”
She didn’t expect that. I didn’t expect it either. But she deserves the full truth of my heart, since it’s all I can give her. I have nothing more. “That’s all I know how to do, Scarlett. That is all I’ve ever done.”
She seems to swallow around a knot in her throat. “I understand why you feel that way. You don’t even want to try?”
“I do,” I say, pleading with her to understand, clasping her tightly. “I desperately want to try. But I would hate myself if I hurt you. And I’ve spent so many years already hating myself. It took me years to stop hating myself after what happened to my parents. If I damage you, if I hurt you, I don’t think I could survive it.”
Pain and resignation cross her eyes. “I don’t know what to say to that.”
“I love the idea of you and me. I want it more than anything. I am mad about you,” I say, then sigh heavily. “But I won’t be the architect of more pain.”
There is no room here for anything else. I won’t hurt her.
She takes another sharp breath, her eyes shining with wetness. “So this is it?”
“I suppose it is,” I say heavily, running a finger along her collarbone. “Scarlett, I’m in love with you. I knew it a few days ago. I’m madly, wildly in love with you. And because of that, I don’t want to ruin you.”
She inhales roughly, then seems to steady herself, lifting her chin. “I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. And I don’t think you’re giving me enough credit.”
I bring my hand to my chest, trying to implore her. “I don’t know how to give myself credit. I haven’t in years. And I care too much about you to take a chance at hurting you.”
As the train stops, she deals me a cool look. “The funny thing is, I’m in love with you too, but I’m willing to take a chance.” She sighs, resigned. “I suppose that’s where we’re different.”
I wince but take it on the