My Life After Now - By Jessica Verdi Page 0,28

what he could possibly be thinking. But I couldn’t read his expression.

“Does anyone else know?” he asked after a minute.

“No.”

“Not even your dads?”

“No.”

“Lucy, you have to tell them.”

“No, I don’t. You don’t understand. It would kill them.”

“But they’re your parents. They should know.” His eyes darted to the house.

“Listen, Evan,” I said, starting to get worried. “You can’t tell them. You can’t tell anyone. You promised.”

“But that was before I knew what you were going to say. I had no idea…”

“I only told you because I felt like I owed you the truth. But no one else needs to know. It’s my business.”

He looked back and forth between the house’s kitchen window and my face. Finally, he said, “Okay. I won’t tell anyone.”

I exhaled. “Thank you.”

We sat there quietly for a few minutes.

“Well,” Evan said eventually, “I guess I should go.”

“Wait.” I reached out and I grabbed onto his arm. I didn’t want him to go.

And then, as if in slow motion, he looked at my hand gripped around his bare forearm, my skin against his, and he jerked away from my touch.

“Oh,” I said, understanding. He was frightened of me. My insides felt like they were being ripped apart by steel claws.

He ran his hands through his hair nervously. “I, uh, don’t know why I did that.”

“I do,” I said quietly, hurt. “You know, you can’t catch it that way.”

“Yeah. That was stupid. I’m really sorry.” His face was red.

“And that’s exactly why I don’t want anyone else to know. I don’t want everyone looking at me the way you’re looking at me right now. Just go. It’s fine.”

His hand was on the door handle. “Wait, what were you going to say?”

Oh, I don’t know, just that I still really like you, and was hoping that now that you knew the truth maybe we could give us another try? Chalk it up to temporary insanity.

“Nothing. Forget it,” I said.

“Okay. If you’re sure…”

“Yup. So…I’ll see you at school, I guess.”

“Yeah.” He paused for a brief moment. “Bye, Lucy.” And then he was gone.

I shouldn’t have told him.

16

Maybe I Like it This Way

The next day, in Andre’s homeroom, the room was more alive than I was. Conversations. Line-running. Monologue-practicing. Affectionate couples. Ty and Elyse, sharing a chair, legs wrapped around each other.

Everything was normal.

It was me that was out of place.

I sat in my usual seat next to Max and Court.

“What’s up?” I said. My voice sounded off, like an inflectionless robot.

“Not much,” Courtney said, shrugging. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing.”

And that was it. We fell into the first awkward silence of our twelve-year friendship.

Evan came in just after the bell and, rather than sit by us like he always did, took a seat near the door. I kept my eyes on him throughout the period, waiting for him to look my way, but he kept his attention directed at the front of the room. He was out of there as soon as homeroom ended.

I searched for him between classes, but he wasn’t in any of his usual places. He wasn’t at lunch, either. But Courtney and Max were, and they may as well have been wearing t-shirts that said “AWK-” and “-WARD.” Everything felt forced. Suddenly we didn’t have anything to talk about, and the entire period skulked by in a series of discomfited silences and small-talk attempts.

I never thought I’d be eager to get away from my best friends.

I finally saw Evan at rehearsal. I’d already gotten our swords off the prop table, and I handed him his. “Hi,” I said, resisting the unbelievably powerful urge to run away.

His kept his gaze focused on the floor. “Thanks. For the, uh, sword.”

“No problem. You’ve been like Houdini all day.”

“I…I’ve been busy.”

Yeah, busy avoiding me. I tried to keep my voice light. “Ready for combat, sir Tybalt?”

“Oh, um. Sure,” he said.

But combat rehearsal didn’t go well. How were Evan and I supposed to be in sync when he wouldn’t even look me in the eye or come within two feet of me? We stumbled through the choreography like our feet were bricks. Andre was so unhappy with our performance, he sent everyone home early. Evan couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

• • •

The days turned into a week, then two. Halloween came and went. I barely noticed. I became withdrawn from everyone, everything.

I kept forgetting my lines and missing my cues. The show was set to open in less than a month, and thanks to my distance and Evan’s revulsion of