My Life After Now - By Jessica Verdi Page 0,27

told them. “Save me some pizza.” I tossed the knife onto the counter, and pulled Evan out of the house.

We got in my car, but I didn’t drive anywhere.

“All right, you win. Let’s talk,” I said.

“You owe me an explanation—” he began.

“No, actually, I don’t. You’re the one who owes me an explanation.”

“For what?”

“For harassing me—no, stalking me—to no end. What the hell, Evan?”

“I just want to understand.”

I groaned in frustration and slammed my hands against the steering wheel. “We’ve been through this.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Evan, we were only together a month.”

We glared at each other, deadlocked. I was prepared to stay there all night if that was what it took to get it into his thick skull.

But it didn’t take nearly that long. A couple of minutes, maybe. I don’t know what caused it, but out of nowhere something in Evan’s face changed. He broke my stare, his expression grew softer, and he let out a long, heaving sigh.

“You’re right.”

“I am?”

“Yeah. I’m really sorry, Lucy. About all of this,” he mumbled. “I just…I just needed to know why everyone always leaves me.”

Okay, this conversation was not going at all the way I’d anticipated. “What do you mean?”

He cleared his throat and looked down at his lap. “First my dad bails on me and my mom for a twenty-seven-year-old spin instructor. Then Sarah goes away to school and all of a sudden starts acting like I’m some child who she never took seriously. So I come here and meet you and think maybe things aren’t so bad after all, and then you dump me too. I just want to understand what about me is so entirely repellent, so I can stop doing that.”

My heart was breaking. I’d thought I was protecting him but the whole time I was hurting him more than I could have imagined. “Oh, Evan.” I placed a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

He looked up at me. “Please. I promise I’ll leave you alone and never talk to you ever again if you just tell me the real reason why you don’t want to be with me.”

I hesitated.

I was certain of only two things.

One: I couldn’t keep dodging his question with half-answers. I hadn’t realized how much that was wounding him, and I wasn’t going to do that again.

Two: I should absolutely make up a lie. I’m not ready for another serious relationship or I’m still in love with Ty or my grades have been slipping and I need to spend all my free time studying. That was the smart thing to do. But I didn’t want to lie to him. My life was already complicated enough without having to keep track of deceptions.

That tiny voice, in the far recesses of my head, was saying, Tell him the truth. What’s the worst that could happen?

I honestly didn’t know what the worst that could happen was, and I didn’t want to think about it. But as I studied Evan, and the little voice grew louder, I considered the possibility that maybe I could tell him the truth. He’d opened up to me, and it had gone okay. Maybe I could do the same.

I suddenly knew that if I was ever going to tell anyone, now was the moment.

“Lucy?”

I looked him straight in the eyes and took a deep, frightened breath. “If I tell you the truth, do you swear not to tell another soul as long as you live?”

His eyebrows crinkled together. “Of course.”

“Say you promise.”

He nodded. “I promise.”

I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. But it all came out anyway. “Back in September, I was going through some stuff. Ty dumped me, Lisa came back, all that. It all seems so dumb now, but I was really upset. So Courtney and Max and I went to the city and got really drunk and I ended up going home with this random guy.”

He nodded to show he was following, but he was clearly confused as to what any of this had to do with him.

“Afterward, I went and got tested for STIs. And…” I took one more deep breath. “I tested positive for HIV.” It was the first time I’d said it out loud, and as the words escaped my mouth, I felt a shift somewhere deep inside me. Like one teeny-tiny shackle was unlatched, and I was one small step closer to freedom.

Evan’s eyes grew wide and his hand flew to his mouth. “Oh my god.”

I watched his face carefully, searching for symptoms of