sound lame for saying it, but I want to be a dad. I like kids. They're fun and entertaining, and damn if James and Darla's daughter, Lilly, doesn't have me wrapped around her little finger.
I look at James and see the way his entire demeanor changes when he sees his kids and I envy the bastard. The day Lilly was born, he actually cried. Bawled like a bitch in front of all the boys in the middle of the hospital. A few of the guys there thought he looked like a tool, but most of them "got it." Meanwhile, I stood there wishing I'd "gotten it."
"So?" I manage to say because my brain hasn't caught up to my mouth just yet. And that does it. She starts with the goddamn crying. I want to tell her that it's alright. I want to tell her that I'll be here for her no matter what. I want to tell her that I love her and that if I have or do knock her up, that I'll be the happiest man on the planet. But I'm an idiot so I don't.
"Ah, come on," I say. I wipe the tears from her eyes and kiss her forehead. "Why are you crying?" I ask, trying to sound gentle because I don't want to see anymore fucking tears.
"You're an asshole!" she shouts in my face. I pull back, my ears ringing, annoyed. What the hell is with the shouting now?
"What's your damn problem?" I snap back.
"MY problem!" She snorts. When she's pissed, like now, her accent is really strong and it's hot. "I tell you that we've been having sex without any protection and you stare at me like I'm speaking a foreign goddamn language!" The truth is, sometimes I do think she's speaking a foreign goddamn language.
"I'm trying to be comforting here!" I growl, because I'm really trying and she's not making it easy. Once again, I go from wanting to kiss her to wanting to choke her.
"Ha!" She laughs, but not a trace of humor is to be found in her features.
"Do you want a baby or not!" I yell. I can feel my veins pumping with adrenaline. All I wanted was a nice nap and she's pulling the theatrics.
"What?" Her eyes go wide and she stares at me blankly.
"You heard me! Do you want a baby or not, because if you do, just say it and I'll knock you up!"
"What?" She asks. She's paled and she looks almost sick.
"Would you knock that off?" I lower my voice. "You want a baby?"
"Um," her voice waivers and she starts crying again. Oh hell. I can't win for losing here. "With you?" She asks through the tears. I can't tell if she's hopeful or disgusted. In order to spare my ego, I decide to go with the former.
"No," I smile, trying to stop the damn waterworks, "with the mail man." She laughs. A real fucking laugh; and I know we're going to be okay.
"We have a mail lady," Colleen quips. I roll my eyes. Hot and cold all the time; Colleen can't pick a mood and stick with it
"Come on, pretty girl," I whine, "quit bustin' my balls, will ya?" She giggles and buries her face in my chest. So she's shy all of a sudden? Hm.
"You're not mad at me?" she asks.
"For what?" I stare at her dumbly. Again, I'm slow on the uptake. "Oh, no actually, this was part of my plan," I laugh, trying to make her feel better. "I think I'll keep you," I smirk.
"You want to keep me?" her head pops up. She's looking at me like I just invented chocolate or something else she'd really like. Hm, for once it seems I've said the right thing.
"Of course, I love you," I blurt out without thinking. She looks like she's been shot in the butt with a pellet gun. This isn't good. This isn't how this was supposed to happen.
"Uh," she says. She's stopped breathing and hasn't moved her eyes from mine.
"Colleen,” I ask.
"Huh?" she says, looking appropriately stunned. Of course she doesn't know what to say. I'm her best friend. I'm not REALLY a husband, I guess. I feel like a fool. These past few weeks I'd allowed myself to believe that there was more to our relationship than just friendship.
"You... love... me?" she mutters. I wish she knew how much I love her. I wish I could tell her. My mouth keeps opening and closing of its own volition,