okay with agony, and the idea of scrubbing herself raw was appealing.
59
Each sweep up the arm or down the leg was marked with aches as she bent to the side or leaned forward, and for no reason at all, she thought of the cilices she'd always worn to control her symphath nature. With all the fighting out in that bedroom, she'd had enough pain in her body to dampen her evil inclinations--not that it mattered, really. She wasn't around
"normals," and that dark part of her helped her deal with this situation. Still, after two decades of wearing the barbs, it was odd not to have them with her. She'd left the pair of spiked chains behind at the Brotherhood mansion . . . on the bureau in the room she'd stayed in that day before they'd gone up to the colony. She'd had every intention of returning at the end of the night, showering, and putting them back on . . . but now they were no doubt gathering dust as they waited for her return.
She was losing faith that there was going to be a happy reunion with those fuckers.
Funny how your life could be interrupted: You left a house expecting to come back, but then the path you were on took you left instead of around again to the right.
How long would the Brothers let her personal items sit out? she wondered. How long before her few belongings, whether they were at the Brotherhood mansion or her hunting cabin or her basement place, got relegated to nothing but clutter? Two weeks was probably approaching the outside limit--although as no one except John knew about her underground crash pad, that stuff would linger far longer.
After a couple of weeks, her shit would no doubt be shoved into a closet. Then a small box in the attic.
Or maybe it would simply be pitched into the trash.
That was what happened when people died, though. What had been a possession became litter--unless the shit was adopted by someone else. And it wasn't like there was a great demand for cilices. Turning off the water, she got out, toweled off, and went back into the bedroom. Just as she sat down by the window, the door opened and the little lesser who ran the kitchen came in with a tray full of food. He always seemed confused as he put what he'd prepared down on the bureau and looked around--like after all this time, he still had no clue why in the hell he was leaving hot meals in an empty room. He also inspected the walls, tracing the fresh dings and streaks of black blood. Given how tidy he seemed, no doubt he wanted to pull a DIY: When she'd first come here, the silk paper had been in perfect shape. Now, the stuff looked like it had been put through the wringer.
As he went over to the bed and straightened the scrambled duvet and 60
scattered pillows, he left the door wide open and she stared out into the hall and down the stairs.
No reason to make a run for it. And tackling him hadn't worked, either. Nor had going the symphath route, because she was blocked mentally as well as physically.
All she could do was watch him and wish she could get at him somehow. God, this impotent drive to kill must be the same for zoo lions when their keepers entered their cage with the brooms and the eats: The other guy could come and go and change your environment, but you were stuck.
Kind of made you want to bite down on something.
After he left, she went over to the food. Getting angry at the steak wasn't going to help her and she needed the calories to fight back, so she ate everything there was. To her tongue, the shit all tasted like cardboard and she wondered whether she would ever again have something because she wanted to and liked the way it was seasoned.
The whole food-as-fuel thing was logical, but sure as hell didn't give you anything to look forward to during mealtime.
When she was finished, she went back to the window, settled in the wing chair, and brought her knees up against her breasts. Staring down into the street, she was not at rest, but merely motionless. Even after all these weeks, she was looking for an escape . . . and she would be that way until she drew her last breath.
Again, like her urge to fight