Taylor, like he was on standby in case he was needed. I knew he was probably worried about me losing my shit. So I told him, “I’m glad we’re doing this together. I don’t know if I ever told you that.”
“I know, brother.”
My sister slipped her arm around Xander’s waist and he put his arm around her shoulders. It was rare that I’d seen them together like this, maybe because I pretty much avoided it like I avoided everything else. But I could see how good they were together. They were at ease with each other. She was wearing her engagement ring, and I made a silent promise to myself that no matter what it took, no matter what kind of day I was having, I’d get myself to their wedding.
Tonight was just the first giant step off the cliff. If I could do this one thing… I could do anything.
No going back now.
Let go of your ghosts.
“How are you feeling?” my sister asked me.
“Fine,” I said. Usually, that might’ve been shorthand for I don’t want to talk about it. Courteney knew that. But this time, I meant it. “Just want to get out there already.”
Just then, one of the crew darted past, handing me one of my guitars. “Two minutes,” he said.
Courteney smiled at me as I strapped the Fender on. “Have I told you how cool it is having you for my big brother?”
“Even now that you’ve got your own rock star?” I gave Xander a little shove.
“Yeah, he’s a rock star,” she said. “But you’re just… cool. Rock star or not.”
“Thanks, babe,” Xander muttered.
Courteney gave me a hug. “You’re gonna do great.”
“Thanks, cupcake,” I said in her ear, and she smiled.
I let her go, and suddenly I could hear Trey out front, welcoming us to the stage.
I could feel the adrenalin mounting in all of us as the Players gathered around. They slapped me on the back. We gave each other hugs. “You’ve got this,” Xander told me.
“You’re my hero,” my sister said.
Then I gave Taylor a final hug and a kiss. “This is it,” she said, and her deep-sea eyes locked with mine. She smiled at me.
Then I let her go.
Because I had to walk out there alone.
Summer went out first, and the crowd lost it. Matt followed, then Xander. Then me.
And when I stepped out onstage, I could hear Gabe somewhere in all the noise.
This is my favorite day that I’ve ever been alive.
He was just fourteen when he first said those words to me, but he’d repeated them often, right before we’d step out onstage together. Especially when I was having a bad day. When my anxiety was high, just standing there with me, while I struggled to keep control.
It was like he was telling me each time, I love you, brother.
I looked down at my wrist, where I wore the brown leather bracelet. The new one that Taylor had given me. She gave it to me at Christmas, and told me that she’d tried to give it to me on my birthday. On the inside, it said Heart of Gold.
It had taken me a while. Weeks. But today, I’d finally taken off Gabe’s old bracelet and put the new one on.
When Ash came running out onstage, I didn’t even have to look up to know it. The energy of the crowd and the band told me so. He had his mic in hand, but he didn’t say a word.
I looked up, over the crowd.
Then we ripped into “Panic Room,” and we blew the doors right off the house.
The venue was a blur of color and noise beyond the music. I focused on my guitar, and I hung out by Xander’s drum kit as often as I could. But it was easy enough to let Ash dominate the front of the stage. With him and Matt up there, I could just disappear into my head and focus on the songs.
I couldn’t believe how fast it was over. We played ten songs, not even the whole album, plus a cover of Panic! At the Disco’s “Golden Days,” a song from Danica’s vortex playlist that we’d jammed on a lot, that showcased Ash’s vocals to perfection. We finished up with our original, “Fuck Me Two Times,” which had nothing to do with the Doors’ song “Love Me Two Times” except the tongue-in-cheek title. It was our most hyper, high-energy party song and ended things on a high note.
We stumbled off the stage sweating and delirious with