things my therapist often harped on about: service to others was a way to get me off the insane merry-go-round of my own dark shit.
That wasn’t exactly how he put it, but I got the gist.
The large strides forward I’d had in such a short amount of time with the horse therapy kind of made me feel like an idiot for thinking I’d tried everything and failed. That nothing could ever work to make me feel better. That was some massive ego talking. Like my problems were so big and special that no one could ever understand or help me fix myself?
I’d gotten past that hurdle by now.
At this point, I was hungry for change, growth, and just fucking grateful to be here, playing with a band again. We’d rehearsed ourselves to the bone and there was nothing left to do but step off the cliff into the unknown, with a heap of faith and trust.
The Players at my back.
And my woman at my side.
I stood back against the wall, right next to Taylor, enjoying the beer Talia had given me, and kept focusing on the small things. My breaths, deep and steady. The cold glass of the beer bottle, solid in my hand. The sound of Taylor’s laughter next to me.
My heart beating steady in my chest.
I watched Zane and his wife, Maggie, for a moment, talking closely, his hand buried in her hair. I knew he was a recovered alcoholic; the whole world knew that. I also knew he was now many years sober. And if he could survive that, and he could still be here, fronting Dirty, and they could make it work together… it gave me hope for me and Taylor. It gave me hope for the show tonight.
If I could be present, get out of my own head and just take this one moment, one song at a time, I knew I could make it through.
When Zane noticed me staring, he raised his chin and I tipped my beer his way. Then he swaggered over. “Take a picture, it lasts longer,” he said, flashing me his dazzling frontman grin.
“I was just thinking. Did we really make it this far?”
“Yeah. Fuck yeah, we did.” He clapped me on the shoulder.
“So,” I said, broaching the subject awkwardly, which was the only way I knew how, “Brody says you get stage fright?”
Zane’s eyebrow cocked, like, Say what?
Way to start a conversation.
“He told me because I go through something similar,” I added. “Hope that’s okay. He was giving me one of his managerial pep talks.”
“Fuck, I love those,” he said wish sarcasm, but I was pretty sure he meant it. Then he smirked. “Lot of people have stage fright. It’s no big thing.”
“You still get it?”
“Not nearly as bad as I used to.” He tossed his arm around Maggie, who’d wandered over. “Life is good now.”
“Right.”
“How about you?” he said, his ice-blue eyes narrowing as he studied me.
“Uh, I’m working on it. Any tips for how you get yourself out there every time?”
He shrugged. “For me, the want of being out there, doing my thing, overshadows the fear, every time.”
“That’s good.”
He eyed me, considering. “Maybe you need to ask yourself if you want it enough to fight that fight, and win, every time you have to step out there.”
“You can do it,” Maggie said simply. “You’re a professional, Cary. Music is your gift. You were born to share it with the world. Just remember you belong out there.”
“Thanks, Maggie.”
Taylor slipped her arm around me, almost unconsciously, as she chatted with Danica, and Zane gave me a smirk. He tapped a knuckle to my beer in cheers before he turned away.
I realized, as I looked around, that everyone had been through something to be here. A lot of these musicians had come from broken homes, broken families. They came from little more than nothing, with a talent and a dream.
Zane and Seth had overcome addiction.
Xander had fought his way back after losing his band and one of his best friends.
Hell, he lost me, too, for a long while there.
And I knew that every one of us here had that same innate drive, the hunger I’d seen in every musician I’d ever known who made it big.
We wanted it. We wanted to be here more than anywhere else.
Zane was right. And I definitely wanted it enough to fight the fight and win.
I went over to Xander and gave him a hug. He was lingering a few feet away from me and