He scanned the shelves until he found what he was looking for.
“They don’t have to last forever,” he said. “Just today.”
Sounded like his philosophy in a nutshell, she thought.
Sarah reached for a pair of light hiking boots in her size. She kicked off one of her sneakers and tried it on. Then she put it back in the box.
“Ready?” Joe asked.
Sarah nodded.
She knew she should say something about all of this, but her tongue felt glued to the roof of her mouth. If they had no history together, all of this would seem perfectly normal—nice, even. Opposing counsel taking his sick but recovering colleague to a discount store where she could buy a few items to make her more comfortable. Perfectly cordial.
They walked together to the checkout lanes, Joe leading the way. He waited beside her while the cashier scanned her items.
And finally daring to look Joe in the eye, Sarah could see the mischief there. The clear understanding of what he was doing. The invitation for her to call him on it, to say something real for a change instead of always weighing her words.
“Burke.”
“Yes?”
But at the last second she decided not to give him the satisfaction. Instead she stared at him blandly as he looked back at her with an innocent smile.
“Bastard,” Sarah couldn’t help mumbling.
Joe rested his hand against the small of her back as he leaned over to whisper, “I just wanted you to remember it wasn’t all bad.”
Of course it wasn’t bad, Sarah wanted to tell him. That was exactly the problem: it was great. Just that brief touch to her back was enough to remind every cell in her body how much she wanted him before, and how easy it would be to want him again.
Sarah paid for the merchandise, then the two of them left together, side by side. Not holding hands, like the first time, not desperate to fall back into each other’s arms, no making out against the side of the rental car this time, no one honking in approval.
A part of her wanted to call off the outing. Have him take her back to the hotel where she could spend the day reading through documents and pretending the last ten minutes hadn’t happened.
He had to know it would affect her. He could have taken her anywhere: Target, a sporting goods store, probably even convenience stores there carried winter wear. He had to know her eyes would have widened at the Walmart sign, her heart would have sped up, her heart would have hurt.
Was he trying to hurt her? It was hard to believe after all the care he’d taken of her the past few days, but why else would he would want her to relive a moment like that with him when he knew everything else that flowed from it?
If their relationship had ended differently, if they’d parted friends, then maybe Sarah could have joined him in a happy little walk down lovers’ lane, pointing out the landmarks: “Yes, this is where I first couldn’t get enough of you. Over here is where we lost our minds over each other. Oh, look, there’s where you first told me that you loved me.” But it was like returning to the scene of the crime with an arsonist: “Remember that beautiful house you used to live in? How did you feel when I burned it all to ashes?”
Sarah stared out the window as Joe drove them up the mountain. Watched the pine trees going from unspotted green to laden with heaps of white. The higher they climbed, the more snow on the ground and the windier the road.
Sarah noticed that Joe was taking it slowly. A few cars passed them, but he kept a steady pace. She wondered if that was for her sake, to spare her stomach from any more trauma. If so, then he was one of the most considerate men she’d ever met, and his compassion should never fail to impress her. Or maybe he was one of the cruelest men she knew, and she didn’t understand any of his motives at all. Her assessment of that could change every minute.
“Warm enough?” Joe asked. He tilted the vent so it blew on her more directly. Sarah clasped her gloved fingers together, feeling the soft fleece against her skin. Yes, she was warm. Yes, it was nice of him to make sure she had the proper clothes—the hat and gloves, the boots, the sweatpants and sweatshirt he bought for her