I might not ever get another one.
The first song I’ve chosen is Parachute, She Is Love. “This is how I feel about you.” He tenderly pulls me to him and as the song begins, we start to dance. Slowly, arms wrapped around one another as he begins to quietly sing,
“I lost my faith in my darkest days but she makes me want to believe. They call her love and she is all I need, she is love and she is all I need and she is all I need.”
The tears start to fall, and I try unsuccessfully, to hide them. “What’s wrong?” He looks at me with concern.
“It’s not you, it’s me. I know a clichéd, right? But it’s true, I swear.”
He looks at me, like he doesn’t believe me. “If you can’t forgive me…..”
“It’s not that, trust me. You need to let me tell you something.”
Maverick takes us to a bench to sit down and I begin to speak, afraid that I might chicken out. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“I want to be with you, I really do. But I can’t. Not right now. Do you know, when we were dancing tonight, one of my first thoughts was, that I finally felt worthy to be on your arm?”
I let out a harsh laugh, shaking my head and look back at him, “That can’t be normal. For years I’ve been called stupid, fat ass, you name it. It’s been said. And I believed it. Every damn word.”
“But you’re not, don’t you see that?” Maverick asks.
“No, I don’t and that’s the problem. I’m always second guessing any compliment given to me and I don’t believe them. I need to talk to someone and deal with things that have been hidden and buried for far too long. I need to learn to be happy with me ‘first’.
Maverick grabs my hand, twining my fingers through his. “You make me a better person. I get it. I do. I hate it, but I understand it. I’ll still be here when you’re ready.”
I start shaking my head vehemently, “I can’t ask you to do that!” As the tears quickly cascade down my face.
“You’re not asking, I’m telling you. I will be here when you’re ready. I love you so much and as much as it pains me to say, I think you’re right. And I don’t think you’ll ever believe me when I say it, until you start to see yourself differently. You need to see how awesome and beautiful you are. I will wait for you.”
He leans towards me, placing his hands on each side of my face and says, “I can’t wait for you to see what I see.” And then he kisses me. He kisses me with everything he has and I take it.
I don’t know how long it will be before I’ll get another one. So I’ll savor it and hold onto it.
Epilogue
3 months later
The path to self discovery is never an easy one. It's hard as hell to be honest. I was brought up my whole life being told how horrible I was. I wasn’t good enough, thin enough or pretty enough. After a while, you start to believe it. You can’t help but think the very worst about yourself.
All–of–the–time.
I’ve been seeing a counselor. She’s helped me to understand several things. For one, I’ve finally begun to see my parents for who they are. They are mean, horrible people that felt so bad about themselves, that they felt the need to constantly put me down, which is their problem and was never mine. They don’t define me and what kind of person I am or who I choose to become.
I remember leaving a session, going home and looking up in the dictionary what self-worth meant. This is what it says:
Self-worth: the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect
It struck a chord with me and made me think. I alone define my own self-worth. Not a boy, but me. No one else can make me feel good about myself. My own personal value is what matters, not what anyone else thinks or says. But mine.
As for my parents. They refuse to speak to me. I still don’t know who my real father is, but maybe one day, my mom will come around and provide some information. But, I’m not holding my breath.
Shelby’s provided me with a loving home and has become the mom that I was always lacking, and who I