more popcorn until whoever’s sitting next to me gives me an annoyed nudge and I realise what I’ve been doing.
‘You’ve eaten half the pack, Soph!’ Erica picks up the crumpled and seriously depleted packet of custard creams.
‘I feel sick now.’
‘So …’ Erica watches me put the remaining biscuits back in the cupboard.
‘So?’
‘What did you think of what he said?’
‘I don’t know. It’s so hard. I mean I kind of feel sorry for him. I know how it feels to have a health condition and at least mine’s only been recent. On the other hand my new resolve to stop being a pushover is already clearly wavering. The trouble is I can always see the other person’s point of view.’
‘Yeah but on the other hand, I can understand why he didn’t say more about Laura. It sounds as though it was a pretty messed-up relationship.’
‘I guess, it’s just that after Ryan and his repressed, “I can’t talk about how I’m feeling” issues, until suddenly he just couldn’t deal with my health or my change of career or anything, I’ve found it really hard to trust any guy again and I felt as though Jack was different. Maybe I was wrong.’
I put my head down on my knees, trying to block out the memory of the day Ryan had dropped the bombshell that he was finishing with me, totally out of the blue. We had been walking out in the forest, just like any other walk and he’d just turned to me and out of nowhere said, ‘Soph … I think we should delay the wedding.’
‘Delay it? Why?’ I’d asked, shocked.
‘Because I think this condition …’
‘Epilepsy. It has a name.’
‘Yes, your epilepsy,’ he continued, saying it as though it was something only I have, and as disdainfully as if it were leprosy. ‘Because of your epilepsy I think maybe we should delay the wedding until you feel better.’ He couldn’t have chosen a more volatile topic or rubbish use of words. Uncontrolled epilepsy is a stealer of freedom, of your independence, of any kind of social life at all. After my first seizure, there was concern but it was soon forgotten, swept under the carpet in the hope it was an isolated incident. Within days of my second, I was completely and utterly relegated to the status of toddler. By my mother and sister at least. Ryan coped by pretending it didn’t exist. If we didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t there.
‘Feel better?’ I’d asked incredulously.
‘You know what I mean.’ He hadn’t met my eyes, choosing instead to stare randomly at a tree branch hanging overhead.
‘No, I don’t.’ I had stopped in the middle of the path; everything around us had seemed to come to a screaming halt too. ‘I feel fine, Ryan, most of the time. At least the meds work, at least I don’t have seizures any more and can go out and actually do things. I’m the same person you’ve been going out with for the past five years.’
‘Yes, but are you?’ he had asked, his dark eyes boring into mine. ‘You’ve thrown away all those years of work. You chucked it all in. I don’t understand – you’ve thrown away everything you studied for. Then you announce you want to teach, to do something more meaningful for goodness’ sake. How am I supposed to feel? You make it sound as though being a lawyer is worthless. Thanks a lot.’
I’d been silent for a moment. I really hadn’t meant to make him feel that way. ‘I didn’t mean it like that, just that I needed to do something where I felt I was giving something back.’
But he had carried on oblivious. ‘I went along with you training to be a teacher, hoping it was just a phase. You might have tried teaching and hated it. How was I to know you’d love your new life and would leave me behind with your old one? We had so many plans. We were going to have kids soon for goodness’ sake. I thought maybe you’ve overdone it. Perhaps you needed a break, to sort your head out.’
I’d wanted to push him off the path we were standing on. He had wanted to have kids soon, I hadn’t been so sure. He’d had it all so neatly worked out: we would be the perfect team of lawyers, as his mum and dad had been before. Although it was fine for me to give up my law career to have his kids, but