‘No I haven’t, and I heard that,’ comes Uncle Jim’s voice, but we still can’t see him.
‘Are you all right down there?’ calls Jack.
I mute my microphone. ‘I guess, apart from the fact my Uncle Jim’s got some strange woman in the bathroom flashing her knickers at the entire wedding congregation.’
‘Sounds more entertaining already than the average wedding.’ Jack laughs.
‘Oh no.’ I can’t help it, I yell with laughter. ‘The vicar has just come up on the screen. He’s got St Paul’s Cathedral as his background.’
‘That sort of goes with the wedding theme, I suppose.’
‘It’s not that, he’s brushing his hair with a toothbrush.’ He is too; it’s sort of slicked in a long comb-over, nicely damped down as though he’s used an entire tub of Brylcreem.
Jack chuckles. ‘Doesn’t he know he’s on?’
‘Obviously not, just a minute, I’m going to unmute myself. Zach!’ I say to the groom, who’s clearly oblivious and is staring nervously at the door, waiting for Jess to appear. ‘Zach! The vicar doesn’t seem to realise he’s on!’
Zach looks at the screen, where by now the vicar is trying to pluck a couple of stray nose hairs with some tweezers, which we have an excellent view of as he has the screen positioned so we can practically see his entire nasal cavity. To be honest, his task seems entirely pointless as he has what seems like bushes sprouting from his nostrils. I hardly think plucking one or two stray hairs at this point before the ceremony is quite going to cut it.
‘Reverend Bumble!’ Zach is saying. ‘Er, excuse me, Reverend Bumble?’ You’ve got to give Jess’s future husband points for politeness. ‘Reverend!’ He raises his voice to a shout now. ‘Your camera is turned on!’
The vicar jumps as though he has been shot, dropping his trusty tweezers and next thing his screen goes black and he’s apparently left the meeting.
‘We’ve lost the vicar!’ laments Zach. ‘Where’s he gone?’
‘It’s okay I’m sure he’ll be back,’ I say more optimistically than I feel. I wonder if it’s too late to recruit another vicar. This one seems slightly faulty.
Before anyone can do anything else, gentle music starts playing and Jess, resplendent in her dress, comes through the doorway of her townhouse and walks down the short stone path to stand by Zach. She looks so calm and radiant with happiness. I don’t think she even noticed the previous goings-on at all.
You can see Zach is totally blown away and tears start coming to my eyes already. ‘You look incredible,’ he tells her.
‘How’s it going?’ calls down Jack.
‘She looks beautiful,’ I say, back on mute. ‘We have temporarily lost the vicar and my Uncle Jim but apart from that …’
‘Only a minor point.’ Jack chuckles.
As if by magic, the vicar’s screen reappears, rather comically at the same time as Uncle Jim’s. The vicar is now standing in front of an attractive cottage garden with foxgloves and roses – it’s all beautifully picturesque. Uncle Jim is now on his sofa, huddled into one end, whilst the voluminous woman who was revealing too much of her anatomy earlier is at the other end. I presume they think this is social distancing. I still don’t even know who she is – probably some random passer-by knowing Uncle Jim.
The vicar seems totally oblivious to the fact we were all party to his earlier hair and nose preparations and welcomes us to the wedding in hearty tones.
‘We are virtually gathered here today, to witness the marriage of Jessica and Zach.’
‘Have they found the vicar?’ asks Jack.
I check I’m on mute. ‘Yes but he’s awfully funny, like a comedian dressed up. I’ve never seen anyone with more protruding teeth and uncontrollable facial hair, which seems to beetle all over his face like caterpillars – you know the kind with spikes, which you’re not supposed to touch because they’re poisonous?’ Not that I was thinking of touching the vicar’s face, but Jack will know what I mean.
The vicar continues in a sonorous, booming voice. ‘Does any man know of any just cause or impediment why they should not be …’
‘Wait!’ calls Uncle Jim.
‘Oh no, I was worried this would happen,’ my mum laments. ‘Shh, Uncle Jim, you’re not supposed to join in this bit.’
‘There’s a mouse,’ he says.
Everyone peers at the screen, which happens to be trained on the Reverend Bumble as he’s the one speaking and sure enough, in the scene behind him there’s a tiny little mouse, running so fast in the