balcony door has been open all morning so we can easily talk to each other. ‘How are you doing?’
‘Hey,’ he replies. ‘Everything okay? You all set?’
‘No, I can’t log into the ceremony.’
‘Oh no, that’s a nightmare! Haven’t you got the password?’
‘Yes, but it’s all jammed.’
‘Just log out the whole thing and turn your laptop off for a minute. And take a breath.’
‘Yeah I am a bit stressed.’ I turn off the computer and take another sip of champagne. ‘Have you got a drink ready for the toast?’
‘Yep I’ve opened my Cava ready and checked it for quality control.’
‘It’s pretty good isn’t it?’
‘Is it working?’
‘Just a minute, I’m logging back in … yes, oh thank goodness, I’m in.’
‘Well done.’
‘I’m glad you’re here, Jack, or I’d be totally panicking.’
I turn back to the screen. ‘Oh, here’s Sophia. What kept you? We thought you weren’t going to make it!’ It’s my dad, lounging on a very nice outdoor sofa in the California sun, next to his new wife and stepdaughter, all looking sickeningly tanned.
‘Thanks, Dad, had some technical issues. Hi, Karen and Sarah! Wow you have some serious sunshine out there.’ I notice Zach on the main screen, waiting nervously in the gazebo. ‘Hey, Zach, you’re looking really smart.’
He smiles shyly, fiddling with his tie. ‘Is she nearly ready? I’m getting so nervous.’
Everyone laughs; I just can’t believe all the tiny screens, which are filled with smiling and familiar faces. It’s moving actually, a chequerboard of supportive people. Mum is gorgeous in a floral dress and an amazing hat. ‘Mum, you look beautiful!’
‘So do you,’ she comments, coming far too close to the screen and bashing her nose. ‘Oops, I can’t ever get used to these things. That dress is perfect on you. Just a minute, Uncle Jim’s having trouble getting on the screen.’ She’s got the mobile attached to her ear. ‘Look, Jim, if you press on the screen it should work. Didn’t Fern sort it for you?’ Fern is Uncle Jim’s long-suffering carer who pops in a couple of times a week to help. I think she deserves a medal; she’s such a lovely person and seems really fond of him. ‘What do you mean she did it and now it’s gone?’
Zoom works really well when it’s just one or two of you, but I’m finding when there’s a few people – and in this case I think there must be about a hundred of us – it’s really awkward. For a start, you never know when to speak and end up either talking at the same time as someone else, or not saying anything and sitting mute throughout the whole thing, which kind of defeats the purpose of being on the call at all. Also, it is meant to pick up the person who’s talking and zoom in on them (in fact, good point, is this why it’s called Zoom?) which is fine when that makes sense but not when it goes onto someone totally random. Which it does right now. Without warning the whole screen goes to Uncle Jim’s flat. I can kind of tell it is because no one else has net curtains like that and cushions with clowns on. But oh no, we’re getting a close-up view of an old lady who’s adjusting her skirt and pants in the bathroom.
‘Uncle Jim,’ I call, ‘where’ve you got the computer screen set up?’
‘What eh? You sound like my niece, Sophia.’
‘Yes I am Sophia. Uncle Jim, you need to move the screen. We can see, well I’m not sure what really. Have you got a woman in your bathroom?’
By this time the screen is focused on a close-up of a woman whose voluminous skirt seems to have got caught up in her knickers. It is not a flattering view to put it mildly.
‘Good grief,’ shrieks someone – I think it might be Zach’s Auntie Val. ‘Somebody turn off that screen, it’s positively indecent!’
‘What did you say?’ bawls Jim. I don’t know why he’s shouting when it’s him who can’t hear us. There doesn’t seem to be any logic in it.
‘Move the screen,’ hollers my mum at top volume.
‘All right, all right, no need to shout,’ he says, calmly now, as if we’re the ones being unreasonable. Suddenly, thank goodness, the woman disappears from view – but then the screen goes black.
‘He’s gone,’ says Mum to my stepdad, Mark, who is now sitting with her.
‘Probably a good thing,’ says Mark under his breath but we all rather ironically hear him as