“I know, because it’s the same expression on my face when I look at James.”
The words hung between them for a moment, then Simon shifted to look at his brother fully. “There’s no reason for him to love me, Levi. I’m a mess. I can’t even handle some bullshit confrontation with his asshole ex. Hashem yishmor, I could barely handle the market without losing my mind!”
Levi leaned forward in the chair and laid his hand on Simon’s knee. “But you did it. And you had a good time until that asshole showed up, right?”
Simon grunted his reply, but he couldn’t bring himself to deny it, either. “I need…I need help. Therapy. Something.”
Levi chuckled and drew his hand away. “Yes, Si. You do. You probably have PTSD and maybe even OCD. I don’t know but, yes, you should see a therapist.”
Simon hated that he was right, hated that his stomach was closing in on itself. “Why am I such a mess?”
“Because our mother was terrible and threw shit on you that no child should have to bear, and Bubbe wasn’t much better at helping.” Hearing Levi admit it—hearing him not absolve their mother based on Simon’s word alone—it made him feel something, though he didn’t have words for it. “But you still deserve love—to be in love, to be loved back, and that man is head over heels. I’d bet my relationship with James on it.”
“High stakes,” came James’ voice as he walked back into the room. He perched on the armrest of Levi’s chair and offered a soft look to Simon. “Levi is right though. Rocco is insanely in love with you. He was on the verge of tears when I told him to go.”
Simon, if possible, felt worse. “I just need to…I don’t know. Process?”
“You’re allowed that,” Levi told him. “I can’t stay here all night—I have to go pack the truck in and prep for tomorrow. And I’m guessing you’re not going to be any good for morning prep tomorrow…”
“Actually,” Simon said, pushing himself to sit up straight, “that’s exactly what I need.”
Levi looked dubious, but eventually he nodded. “Fine, but promise me you will contact him in the morning, Si. He deserves at least that from you, and you deserve to know the truth.”
Simon nodded. He rose and followed Levi to the door, then let out a small, startled look when his brother grabbed him close and squeezed him tight enough to rob him of breath. “Todah,” he whispered.
Levi pulled back and shook his head, giving the side of his face a pat as his mouth fell into a soft grin. “Tipesh.”
Simon tried for a scowl, but the would-be insult was spoken with such a tone of affection, he almost started to cry. They stood there another moment, then Levi turned and reached for James, who was reaching for him at the same time. And Simon saw it then—it was impossible to miss. The light in Levi’s eyes, the light reflecting back in James’. The way they fit, their perfect orbit around each other. He hadn’t missed it before, he just wasn’t paying close enough attention.
But it mattered now—it was important now, because Levi was right. Rocco had looked at him just like that, had reached for him just like that. And Simon could not deny, he had reached back.
Rocco didn’t sleep. He tried to let James’ promise soothe him, and his lawyer’s email settle the anxiety in his gut, but it didn’t help. Simon was still not speaking to him—had given him radio silence all night, and Eric was still around town somewhere just waiting to fuck everything up.
Rocco lay on his back with James at his side as the sun crested up toward the top of the mountains. The sky was a grey blue, and there was humidity in the air with a promised storm. He missed Simon with a fierce ache he hadn’t expected, and he wanted to get out of bed and take action—but he couldn’t.
It wasn’t fair.
When his phone buzzed, Rocco nearly jumped out of his skin, and he fumbled for the device, swiping his screen with shaking hands. When he saw Simon’s name there, his eyes blurred with tears. He wasn’t sure what it would say—this was a make or break moment, he was pretty sure. But he couldn’t wait.
Simon: Sorry I freaked out. I want to talk later. Do you still want to spend tonight with me?
Rocco: I want 2 talk. Miss u.
Simon: I miss you too. I was an