was a routine she’d perfected in the last four years. Blinking away her tears, pushing her sadness back into the bottle and screwing on the lid. Her grief would strike, with crippling force, in unexpected places. It was like being struck over the head and knocked out when you were merely strolling down the street. At other times, it felt like the gentle undertow of the ocean dragging her under. Her doctors and therapists said the grief would become tolerable with time. They said she had to move on her with her life. That she mustn’t blame herself.
But how to move on when so much had been lost?
How to be a mother with no child?
She thought of Essie. Perhaps Essie hadn’t talked much of life in London because she too had been carrying some sadness. Why rake over all that pain and stir it up? It was hard enough just to wade through an ordinary day.
Kate swallowed to clear her throat, but still no words would come. She thought of the journal buried deep in her bag. She carried it everywhere, yet rarely opened it. She didn’t need to. The carefree person who had bought that diary to record her thoughts on pregnancy was a ghost. So, too, were the black-and-white shadows of the ultrasound images she had pasted on its pages for safekeeping.
‘It’s okay,’ said Bella, her warm hand still resting on Kate’s.
Kate looked at the hand covering her own, and thought of Jonathan squeezing this same hand to console her when they had no words left, only tears or silence. He’d squeezed her hand again as he’d handed back the keys to the Louisburg Square house when he left for New Zealand, their marriage broken beyond repair.
Bella met Kate’s eyes and Kate managed a weak smile.
‘I’m so sorry you lost Noah.’
And there it was. Their Noah. Their precious baby boy.
A waiter approached and ushered them to another table for dinner. Once they’d ordered, Bella asked softly, ‘Have you spoken to Molly lately?’
‘We’ve texted.’
‘She’s worried about you. Thinks you’re holding her at arm’s length.’
‘What? That’s ridiculous. I’ve just been travelling so much … the projects just keep coming.’
‘That’s what worries her. And me, to be honest. I mean, none of us are immune from being workaholics.’ She took a sip of her wine. ‘But are you working because you love it or because you don’t want to sit still? Because both can be true. And as far as I can tell you haven’t stopped travelling since Jonathan left.’
Kate nodded and said softly, ‘I can’t help it. It’s selfish, but when I see Emma …’
Bella squeezed Kate’s hand. ‘I understand. Of course it hurts; your babies were born only months apart. Each birthday must be a reminder.’
‘I love them so much. Jessica, too. It’s just that when I look at their family I can’t … I can’t forget my own.’
‘No-one expects you to forget. But you’re part of Molly’s family too. Don’t forget that. Your sister loves you like crazy. Remember when she punched me in the nose when I was teasing you about … ?’ Bella paused, screwing up her nose. ‘I don’t even remember what for. I can only remember taunting you one minute, then lying spreadeagled on the sand the next. She was vicious.’ ‘Still is. Don’t mess with her girls.’
They both laughed as a waiter arrived with their shared plates. The clatter of cutlery on tabletops offered a reprieve as dishes filled with fresh burrata and char-grilled scallops were placed in front of them.
Both women ate with gusto as they veered into more comfortable territory, swapping work stories and catching up on holiday plans. When the waitress came to clear some empty plates, Kate and Bella each ordered a glass of rosé and more focaccia to mop up the juices. Grief and focaccia went together quite well, Kate was discovering.
As the waitress withdrew, Bella scooped some squeaky burrata into her mouth.
‘Mmm, this is heavenly. Trust the out-of-towner to know the best places to go. If it had been left to me we’d be at my local Italian. Which is good, but not this good.’
She wiped some crumbs from her lips with her serviette and pushed the white cheese towards Kate. ‘Have some before I eat it all.’
The waitress returned with their rosé.
Kate took a sip, and felt herself growing calmer. She wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol, or the courtyard brimming with greenery, good food and twilight.
She sat still, trying to lasso her emotions within