take this.’
Dr Hu opens a drawer in his desk and produces a pamphlet, which he holds out for me to take.
My face contorts. I have a natural aversion to pamphlets, ever since I contracted the worst flu bug I’ve ever had from a pamphlet handed to me by an unsavoury character outside Tesco.
The pamphlet was for 20 per cent off tacos and fajitas at the Mexican restaurant around the corner, and I’d always wanted to try more Mexican food, so I took the damn thing, thinking it might come in useful.
Now, every time I so much as contemplate the idea of a burrito, I think back on that unsavoury character and the three weeks I spent dying in bed, and elect to eat a cheese sandwich instead.
Of course, Dr Hu is not unsavoury in the slightest, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have an aversion to taking the pamphlet. It’ll take up valuable room in my pocket.
‘Er, can you email it to me?’ I ask him, staring down at the pamphlet with barely disguised loathing.
Who has stuff on paper in this day and age, anyway?
Dr Hu gives me a look that would surely scare off any Daleks who happen to be in the vicinity.
(OK, sorry. I know I promised, but it’s just too easy a gag to make.)
‘Take it, Andy. Read it thoroughly. It will do you no end of good, I’m sure of it,’ he tells me.
I swallow hard. ‘OK,’ I reply, reluctantly taking the pamphlet from his hand and depositing it straight into my jeans pocket – where it instantly takes up valuable space.
‘Why don’t we agree to see each other again in about a month?’ Dr Hu says. ‘That should give you enough time to see if the detox is helping.’
‘Yeah, OK. That sounds good.’
‘Excellent.’
Dr Hu rises from his seat and holds out a hand, indicating that he’s happy to conclude the appointment. I also rise. I’m not quite so happy, as my GP has just dropped a bombshell into the middle of my life, but I affect a pleasant smile anyway, and take his hand.
He wishes me well and shows me to the door.
After arranging a follow-up appointment with the receptionist, I make my way out of the building and into the bright light of day. Once there, I start the twenty-minute walk back to my flat in a very thoughtful state of mind.
I don’t doubt that Dr Hu has a point, but can I really do what he’s asked? Can I really do this digital-detox thing?
I yank the pamphlet out of my pocket and actually have a go at reading it as I amble along the pavement. As I do, my face falls and my walking pace slows to a near halt.
Oh, good grief. This is so much more awful that I even thought it could be.
I know I could stand to spend less time looking at Twitter and playing Fortnite, but this horrible little leaflet is basically suggesting that I give up my entire life.
‘Digital Detoxing and You’ might as well be called ‘Say Goodbye to Everything That Makes Life Have Any Meaning Whatsoever, You Sad Little Twat’.
OK, that wouldn’t have fitted on the narrow front cover, but it would have been a damn sight more accurate.
If I truly do have to follow all of the advice given here, I think I’m going to go crazy.
The digital detox didn’t sound like an easy proposition when Dr Hu suggested it, but now I can see the cold hard facts laid out for me – on bloody paper – it’s a million times worse.
‘Are you all right, young man?’
I gaze down to see a small, elderly woman looking up at me with some concern.
‘Yes, fine thanks.’
‘Ah. Only you’re staring into the clouds and weeping slightly. I thought there might be something wrong?’
‘Oh, there is,’ I tell her, unconsciously crumpling the hideous pamphlet as I do so.
The woman produces a smartphone from one pocket of her voluminous beige coat. ‘Do you need me to call anyone for you?’
I suppress a groan. Even pensioners have smartphones these days.
I am seriously contemplating being less technologically capable than a little old lady.
As if on cue, a stabbing, sharp pain shoots through my temple again – reminding me what this is all about.
Jesus Christ.
It’s either stabbing pain, or a return to the Dark Ages.
I’m not so sure which is worse, to be honest with you . . .
DIGITAL DETOXING AND YOU!
A GUIDE TO LIVING WITH THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF!
Thank