ridiculous!
‘But, the pooing . . .’ I reply in a small voice.
‘Yes, I know,’ Dr Hu says, nodding his head sagely.
‘And the locked jaw . . .’ I add, one hand going to the side of my face. The jaw unlocked itself after the disaster at Fluidity, but it’s been painful ever since.
‘I know, Andy, I know,’ Dr Hu replies, still smiling slightly and keeping that warm, comforting expression on his face.
Damn him and his warm, comforting face!
Damn him and his sage words!
I’ve always thought Dr Hu was a brilliant physician, but he’s clearly just a crackpot with no idea of what he’s doing!
How can there be nothing medically wrong with me? There was all of the poo! And all of the pain! And all of the gottle of geering!
I have Sibley-Torrington dismorphenia, damn it! I can feel the abscesses starting to rise on my chest even as we speak!
Dr Hu holds out a hand, as if to ward off the temper tantrum I’m about to fall into. ‘Now, I’m not saying there’s nothing wrong with you, Andy, please don’t misunderstand me.’
My eyes narrow in confusion. ‘You’re not?’
‘No. It’s plain that you have multiple symptoms.’
‘Then what are you trying to say?’
‘That the issue is not with your body, but with your head . . . and more specifically, how your head is being affected by your lifestyle.’
‘What exactly do you mean?’ I ask, my tone extremely suspicious.
Dr Hu leans back in his chair. ‘You’re certainly not the first person to come into my office with these symptoms – although none of the others had quite as many as you, it has to be said.’
That’s the STD ruled out then. Maybe that itch under my arm is just where I’ve changed deodorant.
‘In my professional opinion, Andy,’ Dr Hu continues, ‘you’re suffering from a very twenty-first-century condition.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘Too much technology, Andy! Too much time spent on that phone of yours.’
He points down to where my iPhone is clutched in one sweaty hand.
How did that get there? I don’t remember picking it up – or opening the App Store. But there it is, on the screen, waiting for me to search for that will-writing app.
‘All of your symptoms can be traced to the fact you spend so much time on the Internet,’ Dr Hu tells me, not without some sympathy in his voice. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without that phone in your hand. And you talked about googling your symptoms before coming to see me, which tells me you look to the web for answers probably a bit too much.’
‘I do?’
‘Yes. I’d say so. How long do you think you spend online a day?’
‘What? In total?’
‘Yes, Andy. How long?’ He smiles calmly. ‘And do try to be honest. How many hours of the day?’
I sit there for a moment, trying hard to think about how much time I do actually spend with my technology. I feel an uncomfortable flush of embarrassment start to colour my cheeks, as I realise that it’s probably a better idea to ask how many hours I don’t spend online.
‘Quite a lot,’ I manage to squeak out.
Dr Hu nods. ‘Thought so. And that’s the problem. All of that time spent playing with technology is not good for you, mentally or physically. Your neck and shoulders hurt because you’re looking down at your phone or tablet too much. Your inability to sleep comes from too much time with that bright, white light going into your eyes. And flitting from one app to another just creates more and more stress in your brain, which translates into the rest of your body.’
Good grief.
He can’t be right, can he?
That can’t be the root cause of why I’m feeling so terrible.
I must have some kind of disease. There’s just no way I could have been brought this low, just because I like my tech? Just because I spend a lot of time on the Internet?
That’s improved my life . . . not made it worse.
Without it, everything would be so much more of a hassle. Getting work would be harder. Shopping would be harder. Finding a date would be harder.
Everything would be harder!
Being tech-savvy and an experienced web user has made my life better. In every respect.
And yet . . .
My neck and shoulders do hurt more when I’ve been on the iPad for a long time.
And I do find it harder to get to sleep if I’ve been on my phone before I turn out the light.
But none of