I murmur with caution.
“God, Antonia. Do you even know how beautiful you are?” he asks, but his voice is hoarse and his eyes are glazed with unshed tears.
My heart pounds in my chest and my head becomes light. “What’s wrong?” The bottle of wine Mary and I polished off earlier stirs in my stomach, threatening to make a reappearance. “Fin, you’re scaring me.”
“I need you to let me speak and get everything I need to say out before you react.”
My heart is going to explode. The room spins and I have to go and stand by the wall so I can lean against it for support.
“Okay.”
His face contorts into a painful grimace. “I love you more than anything, and all I’ve ever wanted is to be with you and make you happy. When we lost the baby and you needed time to deal, I found that hard. It was like I lost you as well.”
Guilt hangs over me like a raincloud, and anxiety for where he is heading with this conversation chews away at my nerves.
“Fin?” I move closer, but he holds his hand up for me to stop.
“Wait, please. I need to say this, and although I don’t deserve it, I’m begging that you search all the reasons why you fell in love with me and find a way to forgive me.”
Tears burn the corners of my eyes as I wait for him to continue.
“You know that my drinking had become out of hand.”
My heart is going to combust. It’s beating so damn fast.
“Not remembering is a side effect of drinking too much, and fuck.” He exhales and swipes his hand across his mouth. His other is resting on his hip and he keeps looking up at the ceiling then down to the floor.
“Just freaking spit it out!” I snap.
His eyes bore into mine, stealing my breath. “Julie said I slept with her.”
“Julie said I slept with her.”
“Julie said I slept with her.”
The room is spinning and sickness burns my throat.
“When?” I bark, holding my hand over my chest so my heart doesn’t bleed through the gaps in its cage.
How can this be happening? And Julie. Freaking Julie.
“It might not even be true. I can’t remember it,” he says, and I want to pound my fists into him so he can feel an ounce of the pain that’s corroding my soul right now.
“WHEN?” I scream. He drops his head in shame, and he should be ashamed. I’m disgusted with him.
“The night we fought.”
What night? My mind thinks back over the past months and then stops. “You son of a bitch.” A sob is threatening but anger grabs hold and refuses to go down. “You’re guilty and you know it, otherwise you wouldn’t be telling me.”
He goes to speak but I storm towards him and bring my hand across his cheek. The sting burns my palm. “The day I came home from the hospital! Is that what kind of man you really are?”
Nothing makes sense. It hurts so bad the lump in my throat is going to suffocate me.
“I saw her that night.” I gasp, remembering the smugness she exuded. The sob breaks free, crippling me. My lungs seize and my legs weaken.
“Please forgive me. I’m so sorry.”
“No! Don’t you dare ask me for forgiveness! There is none.”
“I hate myself for letting this happen, Antonia,”
A deranged laugh bubbles out of me. “Well, that makes two of us then, because I hate you too. I came here for a chance at a new and better future. Falling for you felt like I was given a beautiful gift, but lets face it, with my track record it was inevitable I’d come out of this wounded. It appears to be my pattern, picking men who betray me in the worst ways possible.” Throwing things feels really appealing right now but I don’t think I have the strength in my arms to even attempt it.
“Don’t compare me to him. I love you so damn much. We can move past this.”
“Get out.”
He doesn’t move. Rage fires in my veins, giving me a burst of furious energy.
“Get out!” I scream, advancing on him and pounding my hands into him.
“Get out! Get out! Get out!”
I blink past the tears to see Mary has come out to see what the commotion is all about. Her arms come around me, pulling me from Finlay. “You should go,” she orders, and he does.
“I hate you. I fucking hate you!” I scream in an uncontrolled outburst.
Mary is repeating my name to