The second letter he wrote to Delilah. Or me. Or however anyone wanted to look at it.
I wanted to know everything about the life he had been living all those years ago. He made up a name for me to keep those guys away from me. He did everything he felt was right to protect me. But the past really didn’t matter anymore. This was about the present. The life we created and the life we were going to have.
I touched the letter and sort of wished that I didn’t want to see it as much as I did.
I thought about the first letter. What it said. What it meant to me.
The fact that it was written by Josh for me. The greatest love story I’d ever read, and it was my own.
I bit my lip again and slowly unfolded the piece of paper.
I gasped when I saw who the letter was to.
Dear Amelia,
He wrote it to me. Actually to me.
Not Delilah.
I blinked fast as I caught my breath.
Dear Amelia,
There aren’t enough words or years to truly find the right way to love you. It’s an endless journey, but the one I will take for the rest of my life. All the seconds I have and all the seconds I lost matter nothing to the seconds I dream of spending with you. The depths of the fire is where everything waits. Long fingers touching me, wanting to pull me down and pull me away.
That’s the only reason I pushed you away, love.
You couldn’t fall with me.
I live with regret.
To think of another loving you is the end of me. There is no other and there never can be. Your happiness will never be truly known or seen.
You pretended to be in the world of Delilah when you were living it all along.
You’re the pretty girl in the blue dress at the top of the hill on the spring day. You’re the pretty girl that comes racing toward me, jumping at the last second, trusting I’d catch you. And I would. I’d catch you and spin you around until we were both so dizzy we’d fall down and laugh. The clouds would spin until they turned dark and the stars would shine and buzz like the streetlight above us that night we sat together on the curb, chasing dreams in our minds but never speaking them.
I wish you could have met everyone else.
Delaney would have loved you. She would have taken to you like a big sister. She would have grabbed your hand and torn you away from me. She would have made you play all the girly games. You’d be the princess to her queen. You’d sip air that was tea. You’d laugh at her reactions. Maybe if you were there, things would have been different. Maybe you would have been that little bit of extra strength she needed. Is that even possible? I’ll never know.
Gram would have loved you too. She would have slipped an arm around you, hugged you, and whispered for you to run like hell from me. She would have rolled up a newspaper and smacked me in the arm over and over, making me promise to everything holy that I would never break your heart. She would forget about me in a loving way and take to you. Maybe if you were there, things would have been different. Your beauty and heart could have helped her laugh instead of shake. Your care and eyes could have shown her life when she was looking for death. Is that even possible? I’ll never know.
Those aren’t your scars to bear, love. They are mine. The life I had, hid from, lost, and will never have again. The only thing I’ll ever have now is you.
I folded the letter and shut my eyes.
My heart weighed a hundred pounds.
It pounded with a soft but powerful thud, over and over.
We had both been going through so much at the same time. And never once did he tell me what he was going through. He turned it all off for me. I ran to him every time it got to be too much at home. And he was always there to hug me, hold my hand, say what I needed to hear.
He gave everything to me.
And now I wanted to give everything back and then some.