Let It Go - Peter Walsh Page 0,35
our mother’s wish to stay on her own, even though we knew that the outcome might be disastrous. (Frankly, it almost was.) You have to find a delicate balance, and there’s no one hard-and-fast solution.
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Time Can Bring More Changes Late in Life
Time has a way of behaving strangely when you’re dealing with older parents. Six months may not seem very long when you’re 30 or 40 or even 50. But for people in their eighties who might be a little frail, 6 months is enough time to go from good health to complete dependence on others. So if a loved one is denying that an older parent or other relative is declining, be sure that someone is carefully monitoring this person’s health changes.
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When dealing with Deniers, it’s important to move carefully, since they are often not coping with what they’re confronting. Outline a very specific plan that suggests the consequences that could occur if you don’t take action, and what your options will be if these consequences occur. Unfortunately, you may have to accept that your family might face a catastrophic incident before a parent who’s the Denier approves of taking action.
Be gentle but firm with your Denier. Understand that the person you’re dealing with is fragile and struggling, but be persistent in discussing the very real situation that he’s not allowing himself to see.
Sample scripts you might use include:
“This is the situation we’re facing.” Include specific examples such as: “Mom can no longer walk to the mailbox to get the mail” or “Dad isn’t eating the meals left for him and has dropped 8 pounds in the last month. I think we need to take the following steps.”
“We don’t seem to know how much risk Dad faces if he keeps living on his own. Why don’t we meet with his doctor and get a professional opinion?”
“We only have 1 month to deal with everything that’s in the house. Very soon, we won’t have enough time before we move. How do you think we should proceed so we don’t get into crisis mode?”
The Procrastinator
This type of downsizing partner is likely to have a similar effect on the process as the Denier. The Procrastinator can’t sign forms on time, sort through the boxes you’ve set aside, or make the one tiny decision that will allow the downsizing to move forward. Procrastinators often agree to handle tasks or make decisions but later plead that they hit a roadblock or were too busy to complete them (or they come up with some other grown-up version of “the dog ate my homework”).
As a result, procrastination slows you down, adds to your frustration, creates more costs, and may burn up the valuable time that separates an orderly process from a crisis.
But again, the Procrastinator is probably not trying to derail the downsizing deliberately. Just like the Denier, the Procrastinator may simply not be able to make a decision, because then she’ll have to accept the reality of the situation she’s facing. This person may be scared by the thought of actually retiring after planning for it for years, feel overwhelmed by the need to declutter and sell the family house, or be paralyzed by the idea of living in a much smaller home.
Procrastinators may feel that not acting is the only thing they can do to control their world. Or maybe they’re unprepared or uninformed , and they don’t know how to make the first move. They may feel like you or a sibling is wielding too much authority in this process, and they’re vetoing your decisions until their voices are heard. Perhaps the Procrastinator in your life is also a perfectionist, and he’s going to take all the time he needs to make the perfect decision, even though these situations seldom, if ever, allow for “perfect” decisions.
Dealing with the Procrastinator is similar to working with the Denier: You need a firm hand and a clear explanation of the consequences that will arise if everyone doesn’t finish tasks by deadline. You should also do a lot of documentation. If the Procrastinator agrees to find an appraiser to assess the value of antiques in your home, then put that commitment in writing and come to an agreement on the deadline for the task. Also agree that if the Procrastinator doesn’t handle tasks by a particular time, then you (or another family member) will step in and handle them as you see fit. This approach respects the role of this family member but