Let It Go - Peter Walsh Page 0,34

abilities. Every team member needs a voice in the downsizing. The Control Freak, however, tries to do too many jobs and make too many decisions. Their way is the best way—so get in line or face the consequences!

This person may try to exclude other participants, rush the process so others won’t notice what’s happening, or assume that she’s acting in everyone’s best interest without finding out if that’s true. This approach leaves others feeling disrespected and disempowered. It also creates resentment that can be difficult to heal. The true stories that I included a few pages ago each had a family member who showed characteristics of the Control Freak, and they all left devastation in their wake.

Dealing with the Control Freak is difficult because of his certainty that everything will only work out if you follow his directions. The best approach if you find yourself in this situation is to agree early and often on very clear goals, roles, and responsibilities. Always document who is handling which task, and regularly check back in as a group to ensure that tasks are completed.

When the Control Freak attempts to railroad the group or overstep his or her responsibility, go back to the list of tasks and duties that has everyone’s buy in. Calmly thank him for his opinion but reiterate that someone has that area covered. You may have to repeat this a number of times, and you may also have to deal with some high emotion.

Sample scripts you might use include:

“That’s an interesting idea, John, but we’ve agreed that Ellen is taking care of that.”

“Just a moment, Sue. Before you offer your input on how to do that task, let’s ask Eric to fill us in on what he’s done about it.”

“Please, Mary, we all need to feel like we’re contributing equally. Let’s let everyone have the chance to pitch in and help make this downsizing a success.”

The Denier

Often people do not go gently into the next phase of their lives. It’s also common for their loved ones to refuse to accept that big changes are happening, like illness, disability, or the end of a life.

This happened in my own family when my siblings and I disagreed on whether the time had come for our mother to live in a residential setting. She had become frail but retained her fierce independence. At a family meeting, I recommended that she move into assisted living. I sensed that some siblings agreed but didn’t want to rock the boat. She stayed in her house, but only for another 6 months. An upsetting fall in her dark home, alone at 3:00 a.m., made it clear that she needed assistance. But at that point, she needed it in a hurry.

Denial has a way of turning an orderly downsizing process into a situation that’s urgent, rushed, and confusing. This is because the denial pushes decisions further down the road. Later, your circumstances—which can become catastrophic—may require a quick decision.

A parent who was lucid and in control just a few months ago may leave you responsible for making big decisions with little information. What kind of long-term care does dad need? Who has power of attorney? Where are the bank accounts? What’s the combination on the safe?

You can find the Denier in all kinds of downsizing situations.

Soon-to-be retirees who don’t want to change their lifestyles to accommodate a drop in income

Young adults who are engaged to be married but don’t seem to realize that living as a couple involves compromises

Grown kids who aren’t interested in making their own decisions and are happy to continue letting mom and dad do so

Anyone who’s about to move into a smaller home but refuses to whittle his or her possessions down to an amount that will fit into the new space

Remember, the Denier has reasons to interpret reality differently than you do. Odds are good that they’re not in denial just to frustrate you—they are struggling with the situation at hand, and this is a powerful tool to keep reality at bay. Maybe they’re frightened of change. On the other hand, maybe they’re optimistic and just don’t see what you’re so worried about. Maybe they see this as God’s plan, and it’s not up to the family to sort it out. Maybe they’re just not emotionally or physically equipped to deal with this challenging task.

Responding appropriately when the Denier is a stubborn-but-frail parent is particularly challenging. Respecting your parents’ demand for independence can mean jeopardizing their safety and wellness. We begrudgingly honored