Let It Go - Peter Walsh Page 0,33

to follow society’s traditions—set your own rules!

* * *

Instead, a quiet sibling who always felt overlooked seizes this opportunity to finally have his voice heard. Another who was mom’s special confidant expects you to heed what she really wanted but never told anyone else. Maybe dad’s way of mourning is to just leave behind the memories and move on.

It’s important to acknowledge that everyone involved in a downsizing event is being influenced by his or her own values. Don’t be surprised if family members bring ancient arguments or slights to the table or resurrect memories that others forgot long ago. In many cases, they may have trouble identifying these values or feel embarrassed or vulnerable about discussing them. But it’s possible that the values motivating them may be right out in the open.

Also, be ready for your fellow downsizers to seem a little different. Their values, along with their personality quirks, may cause them to play a role that you weren’t expecting. Keep your calm if a familiar loved one suddenly becomes one of the following characters during downsizing. In fact, don’t be shocked if someone actually plays more than one of these roles at different times.

The Control Freak

The Denier

The Procrastinator

The Businessperson

The Provocateur

The Peacemaker

The Attention Seeker

When you witness a loved one acting like one of these characters, keep in mind these three rules.

1. Resist the urge to engage. Avoid responding to the role that your loved one is playing. No matter how she’s acting, this person is still your child, spouse, sibling, or parent. My goal is to help you reach the other side of the downsizing process with an even better relationship, and this may require you to help your loved ones even when they aren’t acting their best. The immediate reaction will be to strike back. Don’t! Instead, stop. Breathe. Think before you respond.

* * *

Real-World Downsizing Discovery

Linda says: I could not let any items go that held memories of my mother. I finally realized that I had to live for myself and create a home that was all mine! I finally came to the best solution for letting go of so much that she held dear.

Since she did so much to help animals, I have donated a tremendous amount to Animal Aid of Tulsa in her memory. She owned a large collection of collectible plates, and whenever my church has a fundraising auction, I donate a few plates, making certain they are auctioned off in my mother’s memory. With books that she loved, I place a sticker on the inside cover noting that I donated them in her memory. Whoever gets the book sees that and knows that my mother was loved.

Also, I gave pieces of furniture that my mother purchased decades ago to my closest friends. Although they are now out of my home, I feel as if they are still in the family since my friends have them. This was the only way that I was able to start letting go. My mother’s memory now goes on in so many others’ homes and lives!

* * *

2. All have a reason for their opinions. Avoid belittling a loved one’s needs or dismissing his requests as unreasonable. Dig deeper to understand the value that’s fueling his actions. It’s never about the stuff. You’ll always find an underlying reason for a behavior, request, or demand. A little gentle questioning often reveals the real motive behind what seems like an unreasonable stance.

3. Your way is not necessarily the best way! Each of us is the hero of our own story, and we all want our voices heard. That’s true for you and your teammates. Ignoring your loved ones’ opinions is telling them that their contributions aren’t valuable. You would hate to hear that, so don’t accidentally say it to someone else.

Plus, a loved one may have good reason to perceive you as one of the following disruptive characters! Be sure to understand their qualities well enough that you’ll recognize if you begin to play one of these roles!

The Control Freak

Fear makes people do strange things. When faced with a fear-inducing situation, some people instinctively try to exert as much power as they can over it. A sense of control—even if it’s only imagined—is calming. However, people who need to have a hand in every decision or exert their will over every situation can come off as the Control Freak.

Every family downsizing requires calm, level-headed leaders. The process also needs participants to handle tasks that are well suited to their