Let It Go - Peter Walsh Page 0,32
awful lot of fighting and waste an awful lot of time while you look for the perfect solution.
My sister, for the sake of keeping the peace, agreed to my brother keeping the medals. But first, we asked an accredited dealer to create replicas of them, and the rest of the siblings received an identical set. Did Dad ever wear these medals on his uniform 70-plus years ago? No. But just like the originals, the replicas pay respect to his duty, his bravery, and his patriotism—and they help us honor the man whenever we look at them.
Soon I’ll walk you step-by-step through bringing your family together and working smoothly during two types of downsizing: your own (Chapter 7) and your parents’ (Chapter 8).
But for now, I’d like to prepare you for some of the personalities, situations, and colliding values that you might encounter when you and your loved ones dive into a group downsizing project.
THE SEVEN PEOPLE YOU’LL MEET WHILE DOWNSIZING
As nice as it would be if everyone could sit at the table and make downsizing decisions based on logic and unbiased discussion, that sort of process doesn’t always happen.
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Gender Traditions Hold Many Families in a Downsizing Rut
When parents recruit their families for a downsizing project, the participants often divide into two teams: men on one side and women on the other. Typically, they then distribute specific types of family treasures within their own team.
That’s what downsizing expert David J. Ekerdt, director of the University of Kansas Gerontology Center and the main researcher for The Household Moves Project, and a fellow researcher found when they surveyed 36 households. In each family, parents over the age of 60 had recently downsized in order to move into a smaller home.
“Couples, when asked how they worked both together and independently, often explained that the husband packed his areas of the house—generally the garage, basement, and other workshop-type spaces—while the wife would pack her areas—usually the rest of the dwelling. . . . While the distribution of work was unlikely to be equal—the garage versus the main house—couples rarely addressed the fairness of this arrangement,” the researchers wrote.
In several cases, couples acknowledged that the wife did all the sorting work. One husband, given the task of sorting a box of his family’s letters, only got as far as reading them. Another refused to downsize “his” stuff and carted it all directly to the new house. Another 70-year-old widower simply told his daughter and his late wife’s friend to decorate his new home. “I said, ‘You gals set it up; I’ll live in it,’” he reported.
Daughters were more likely to help downsize than sons, especially with sorting through possessions. They also tended to provide leadership for the process. (Daughters-in-law more often worked to set up the new home rather than sorting through family treasures.)
Sons tended to drive moving trucks and handle tasks like picking and managing estate sellers.
Downsized Objects Often Travel by Gender
Items that an elder man in the family used, or that were regarded as “men’s stuff,” were usually passed on to sons, grandsons, nephews, and sons-in-law: tools, guns and other hunting gear, military uniforms, bow ties, and hobby equipment.
The matriarchs typically passed down “their” objects—china, jewelry, seasonal decorations—to the women in the family. Often, they also tapped younger women in the family to become the next caretaker of family photos and memorabilia. In several cases, adult daughters’ homes became warehouses for items that they expected their own daughters to take in the future when they had their own households.
Gender-based shortcuts can save time, and they may work for your family. But they also present a well-worn rut that can lead your family away from the best solutions. These traditions can also lead to resentment if they overrule a family member’s desire to play a certain role or take home a particular item.
During your downsizing process, avoid assuming that women will wrap the china and men will load the truck. In your family’s case, maybe the best recipient for camouflage clothes is a sister, and the best caretaker of a decorative glass bowl will be a 12-year-old grandson.
Also, please don’t allow yourself to be guilted into accepting an heirloom you don’t want. And don’t allow your own home to become a warehouse for family objects that you’ll redistribute someday when your kids are older. Someday may never come, and you’ll be stuck with a home that looks more like a memorial to someone else’s life than a reflection of your own.
You don’t have