Let It Go - Peter Walsh Page 0,31
to come help you. Don’t just be annoyed. Dig deeper. What does dealing with mom’s items mean to them? What memory or pain or fear does it touch in their minds?
Find out why your spouse can’t seem to part with that giant mountain of souvenirs from her childhood. What does it all mean to her?
Now’s your chance to learn things about your loved ones that you never knew. As your family dynamics may be shaking up and resettling into a new configuration, now is the time to establish who you will be as you move forward. Here’s your opportunity to start this new, shared phase in your lives with success.
DOWNSIZING CAN LEAVE LASTING DAMAGE WHEN DONE POORLY
Make no mistake: When you go about downsizing the wrong way, you can cause permanent injury to your relationships. I see that all the time. Without proper communication and transparency, the process can leave your loved ones deeply shaken. I’ve heard stories from downsizing survivors who sound battle scarred, even years later:
My brothers and their wives were throwing out things that THEY thought had no value. Luckily, my husband was positioned near the trailer and managed to save a few special mementos that I remembered from my childhood. Once they are gone, you cannot get them back again, and it just adds to the loss that you are already feeling. Oh, and my brothers did not think about donating the items either—everything was destined for the tip [dump, to an Australian]. These situations can cause deep divisions within families. I know I was angry and hurt by their antics at the time.
And:
I didn’t get anything from my grandfather’s house except a picture I had colored when I was in second grade . . . then I found out my cousin had given boxes of my late grandmother’s and grandfather’s stuff to my sister-in-law (who could not care less). I admit I really had my feelings hurt that I was not even asked about any of it. I am 43, and my grandmother died of cancer when I was in the eighth grade, and the years we had leading up to that were very special to me. I need to get over it . . . but it really upset me.
Many of the belongings that stuff our homes (and our parents’ homes) can easily be cast to the wind without anyone caring about the loss. On the other hand, if you or a family member loses one precious item in the downsizing process, it can leave a sting that lingers for decades:
My 99-year-old grandmother passed away in Hong Kong, and my father traveled to assist his family in clearing out her home. A lot was discarded, and a lot was distributed to local extended family, because it was too big or too cumbersome to be shipped to the United States. My father is not a sentimental man and he’s not into keepsakes or mementos. But as someone who is now very interested in family history, I grieve over what was discarded and what is now unobtainable.
And:
My sister, without telling anyone, went through all of my mother’s belongings that were accumulated over 50 years. She kept what she wanted and then she and my father had an auction with the rest. If the rest of us wanted anything, we had to go and bid against the public. My sister had the good sense to not show up. That was 26 years ago. The hurt runs deep. Now, if I see something in a secondhand shop that looked like something my mother had, I purchase it and pretend it was hers.
These stories, which fall into worst-case-scenario territory, illustrate how a downsizing event can get out of control. It doesn’t matter if someone is being deliberately hurtful or is simply acting thoughtlessly; the end result may be the same. You or a family member could lose items you really wanted. Even worse, the process could drive a wedge into a good relationship.
But this kind of outcome is avoidable. I’ve also heard plenty of stories of families setting aside their differences to work together, of families tapping into their strengths to weather difficult challenges, and of families employing creativity to prevent conflict and solve the inevitable standoffs before they explode.
My siblings and I found a solution for the dilemma that Dad’s service medals presented. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough. By the way, that’s a result that should leave you happy: good enough. You can do an