Or rather, the postponement of it was. Their initial plan to attend a yachting regatta in Dover to watch his cutter Athena race had been abandoned when an unexpected collision had occurred with three other yachts. The Athena had been towed back to port and was currently in repairs.
“Of course that is not the reason,” she said. Though it was, perhaps, part of it.
In truth, the opportunity to have Decker all to herself and to escape from London for a week would have been most welcome. In the time since they had wed, they had settled into a routine. And whilst his lovemaking was nothing short of rapturous, it had not failed to escape her notice that her new husband freely gave her the physical connection she sought and yet, the emotional remained decidedly elusive.
“Then what is the reason?” Callie asked, frowning. “Is anyone else famished? I am going to ring for a tray of cakes and biscuits. Is it wrong to suddenly be beset by the urge to eat quail eggs at this time of day? Do not answer that. Tell us what has you so distressed, dearest.”
“I could eat quail eggs at any time of day,” Lady Helena offered as Callie went to the bell pull.
“I am in love with him,” Jo blurted.
Callie turned back to her. “I knew it!”
Was she that obvious? Good heavens, what if Decker guessed at her feelings as well?
“How did you know?” she demanded, her stomach churning at the thought of him realizing the depth of emotions she felt for him.
She was not ready to face that yet. Not ready to confront the possibility he would not return the sentiment. Not now, perhaps not ever.
“You made it quite apparent the day I suggested Helena use Decker to cause a scandal,” Callie said gently, returning to her seat. “That is wonderful, dearest! I know this marriage was a bit rushed, but I am relieved to hear the two of you are in love.”
“Not the two of us,” Jo said. “I fear I am alone in my feelings.”
“But the way he looks at you,” Lady Helena argued, “I would be willing to wager you are wrong.”
“I fear not.” She sighed heavily. “He has never hinted at the slightest bit of feelings, and for a man of his reputation…”
“Decker does have a reputation,” Callie agreed, frowning. “However, there is good reason for it, from what little Sin has told me of Decker’s past. Apparently, he had his heart broken quite thoroughly in his youth.”
Ah, there it was. The confirmation of her fears. That another woman had been responsible for his cynicism. And with it came the burning agony of jealousy, so much stronger now that he was her husband. Now that he had found his way into her heart.
“Do you know what happened?” she asked, almost hesitant to hear the answer.
However, if it would enable her to better understand the enigmatic man she had wed, it would be worth the cost to her pride.
“It was all a frightfully long time ago,” Callie said. “There was a lady to whom he had formed a romantic attachment. She hailed from a noble family—the daughter of a baron, I believe. From what I gathered, her father did not approve of Decker, and she eloped with another man. Decker was devastated over it.”
The revelation did nothing to quell the misery swirling within her, along with the uncertainties and doubts.
“I see,” she managed. “That makes perfect sense, of course.”
She knew all too well the bitterness Decker felt toward his noble father. Now, it was clear that the Earl of Graham was not the only source of his demons. She could hardly blame him for feeling as he did, knowing he had spent his life being judged for something that was beyond his control.
“Do not worry,” Lady Helena said softly. “That woman is in his past. You are his present, his future, his wife. Her memory cannot haunt him forever.”
But what if it could? What if the woman he had loved, the lady he had wanted to marry, would forever be the only woman who owned his heart?
“Jo, stop your restless mind,” Callie ordered her knowingly. “Do not, I pray, overthink this. Your marriage is new. Give yourselves time to grow together. Sin was also desperately hurt in his past. The heart can heal and move forward. Indeed, I will be first to attest that scarred hearts love the best.”
She wanted to believe her friend, truly she did. But the doubts remained.