you are now, I fell in love with a man who changed me forever. I’d had boyfriends before, but no one I could stomach settling down with. But then, I met Glen and, boy oh boy, did I change my tune. He was the macaroni to my cheese, and we made everyone who came near us sick to their stomach. We were that couple. The one that kisses too much. That laughs too hard at each other’s jokes. The one that couldn’t stop touching in public.” She smiled dreamily and I saw the love she had for him still lighting her eyes.
“What happened?”
“Oh, we had a silly fight and I was too proud for my own good. He apologized, but didn’t take responsibility the way I wanted him to, even though, looking back, the misunderstanding was on both of us. I ignored him every time he tried to talk because all I wanted to hear was that I was right and he was wrong. By the time I came to my senses, I’d hurt him so badly, he didn’t want anything to do with me. I knew I’d never find anyone to fill his shoes, so I didn’t even try. Last I heard, he was married with grandchildren. So, yeah, I’m happy in my independence, but let me tell ya, kid. There have been many long, long nights where I wonder what could have been. Sometimes, I think I might try and find a Carl of my own, but what if I make the same mistake? I’m too old to go through all that again.”
Nan stared at her hands as they twisted and fidgeted in her lap. She took a long breath, then wet her lips, pausing as she looked from me to Delores and back again. Something was on her mind, but she swallowed hard and glanced away.
“What is it, Nan?”
“Have you ever wondered why you haven’t met Carl?”
Delores and I leaned forward in a carefully choreographed ballet of curiosity. “Yes,” we replied in unison.
Nan chuckled as her cheeks flushed pink. “You’ve never met him because he doesn’t exist. I made him up so you wouldn’t think I was crazy.”
I lifted an eyebrow and exchanged a look with Delores. “You made him up so we wouldn’t think you were crazy? You realize how crazy that sounds, right?”
After a long sip of her tea, Nan settled back in her chair. “Years ago, right after the kids grew up and moved out, George and I wrote down everything we wanted to do together. Judo. Tai Chi. We had a list a mile long of books we wanted to read. We planned to eat at every restaurant in the Keys and watch the sun set on as many beaches as we could find. But things got in the way. Work. Money. Life in general. We thought we’d have so much free time, here in our twilight years, that we kept putting it all off. He passed away before we could get any of it done.”
She offered a watery smile and tucked her hair behind her ears. Delores patted her hand. “He was taken from us too soon.”
Nan nodded, looking more vulnerable than I’d ever seen her. “I’ve been doing all the things we said we’d do together. I pretend he’s with me. Cheering me on in Judo. Laughing at a funny passage in a book. Eating dinner with me and critiquing the food. It’s silly. And strange. But it makes me feel closer to him. Sometimes, if I’m really quiet and close my eyes, I swear I can feel his hand on my shoulder, or playing with the ends of my hair like he used to. A lot of the time, I get the sense of him watching from a corner, his arms crossed over his chest the way he always did when he was happy.” She smiled into her lap. “I didn’t want you to worry about me being alone,” she continued, “so I made up Carl. I know it sounds crazy.”
“It doesn’t sound crazy. It sounds beautiful,” I replied. “I’m sorry Grandpa passed away before you had the chance to do those things together.”
“Me, too.” She patted my hand. “True love is special, Kiki. It’s not something to throw away and it’s certainly not something to take for granted. When you find it, you need to fight for it. To prioritize it.”
“To swallow your pride for it,” Delores added with a muted smile.
“I’m not sure Joe and I got far