studied my face. I’d already cleaned my makeup off, and I looked plain. Well not exactly plain, but not made up as I liked to look in front of men. My eyes were bright, but I didn’t look glamorous like I’d looked before. Even though he hadn’t seen me in the restaurant, he’d seen me before and after the meal, and I had on full makeup. Now, I just looked like a regular plain Jane, but I knew I didn’t have time to put on a full face of makeup and brush my teeth and suck on the mints and change my clothes. I had to just forgo the makeup.
I sighed. Why had I told him that I would agree to a kiss with him? I was starting to feel down about my appearance and felt like canceling. But then, I remembered to repeat the mantras that I learned from one of my therapists a long time ago. I stood in front of the mirror and I took a deep breath. “You are beautiful just the way you are,” I said to myself, feeling like an idiot. “Say it again, Gemma.” I let out a sigh. “You are beautiful just the way you are,” I almost shouted as I looked in the mirror this time, and smiled to myself.
I really did feel like an idiot. But surprisingly, the words made me feel better. “Say the things you like about yourself, Gemma.” It always made me feel weird to say the things I liked about myself, but my therapist had said it was important to love yourself, and to list the things that you loved, because once you did that, you reinforced in yourself that they were positive attributes, and you weren’t so down on yourself.
The first time she told me that, I thought it was really kooky. But, I had tried it, and surprisingly it worked. I looked at my reflection and looked for the good things that I liked about myself. “You have beautiful silky brown hair,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and I smiled. I absolutely loved my hair. “You have big beautiful eyes.” I looked into my eyes, and even though I didn’t have on mascara or eyeliner or eyeshadow, they were still big and vibrant. “You have smooth rosy skin.” I looked at my face. I had very few wrinkles and a natural rosy complexion.
Yeah. I liked to wear bronzer and blush to deepen the pink hue, but I still had pretty nice skin. Acne free was definitely a good look on me. Thanks to a good face wash and removing my makeup every night.
“You are kind. You are compassionate. You are strong. You’re confident, and you’re beautiful. Gemma, you’ve got this.” I smiled at myself, and I pushed back my shoulders. I looked down at my sweatpants and my T-shirt. I really wasn’t dressed to meet a guy, but you know what? If he didn’t like the way I looked now, then tough luck. If he made a comment about my attire then he wasn’t the one. I wasn’t going to be dressing up for every single date. And yeah, in the beginning of a courtship, you wanted to make a guy feel like you were glam and gorgeous all of the time, but that wasn’t true.
If he was going to like me for me, and if he was going to be in my life for a long time, then he had to see who I really was, and I, Gemma Doukas, was a girl that liked to dress down. I didn’t like to wear makeup that much. I didn’t like to wear tight-fitting clothes. Yeah. I liked the admiring looks that I got when I did, but the clothes and the shoes weren’t always comfortable. I wasn’t comfortable walking around in two inch heels. Shit. I was lucky I hadn’t broken an ankle yet. If Connor was going to get to know the real me, and was going to get to like the real me, then he had to see the real me. Even if that was with frizzy hair and pale cheeks.
I walked toward my front door. I could feel that my fingers were trembling slightly. It was easy to talk the talk, but it was very hard to walk the walk. I didn’t want to go downstairs and see disappointment in Connor’s eyes, even if I knew that it was for the better to know if he liked the