your “regift” box and then handed over to your unsuspecting friend who likely didn’t want the State Farm baseball cap, either.
No, imagine a time when you offered a gift that meant something—both to you and to the person you gave it to. Maybe not an expensive something. Maybe not a thing at all. Maybe you did some babysitting for some friends who really needed a date night. Maybe you helped your buddy study for a test. Or maybe you got your sweetie tickets to Bruno Mars.
Doesn’t matter what. Just as long as it’s meaningful.
Now imagine what it was like to pick out the gift. Some joy there, maybe. Thinking about what this other person would really want. Going to the trouble of getting it. Spending the money or spending the time.
And now think of this person receiving the gift. Assuming it’s one of those times when you hit the nail on the head—maybe their face lit up, or they actually jumped for joy. Perhaps hugs or high fives were exchanged.
Step Two
Imagine giving a gift in the future. Again, make it something genuine. Something you’d really love to give. Skipping, for now, the obligatory Mother’s Day card or the housewarming knick-knack. Stay with something meaningful, something a friend or a loved one would really love to receive.
Again, this gift could be a thing. Or it could be a favor, a service, a meal, a kind word. There are so many different kinds of gifts. Just make sure it matters. And because this is in the future, it can also be imaginary, so you don’t have to limit yourself. If your mom has always wanted to ride on a private jet, imagine getting her that ride. And then really get into imagining the smile on her face, the delight in her eyes, as she rises above the clouds with a glass of champagne in her hand and…you get the idea. Be specific. And really let your mind go for the details.
Step Three
Give something. Right now. Don’t wait. It could be anything. No matter how small. But find some way to give something in this very moment. That’s right. Put this book down. And…send somebody a text about how much you really appreciate them, or walk into the next room and hug your kids, or go online and one-click on a gag gift for a dear friend. Doesn’t matter what you do. Just give. And stay with the meditation, continuing to notice how it feels in your body and mind as you do all this. Then come back and we’ll close out with a final step.
Step Four
Track your response. Okay, you just remembered giving a gift, thought about giving a gift, and then actually gave a small gift. Now, just for a moment, check in with the area around your chest and throat. How is your breathing? Did it speed up or slow down during this meditation? Do you feel more relaxed? Or maybe more tight? Is there some sense of emotional warmth? Or maybe a kind of numbness, even resistance? Whatever comes alive for you is perfectly fine. Just use your mindfulness to track the response, take it as data, and maybe come back to the meditation a few times to see if things develop and change as you go. Ultimately, we’re looking to tap the inherent joy of giving. But it might take a while to step your way up into that.
* * *
GIVE IN SMALL WAYS
The real truth of the matter is that you give all the time. You probably don’t spend a lot of time paying close attention to the ways in which you give. This is an important point. Because psychologists have long known that attention holds a kind of power. In terms of good habits, what we give attention to flourishes. What we ignore, withers. And the very opposite is true of bad habits—those things we wish we didn’t do, but still keep on doing. When we ignore them, they grow in the shadows, but when we face them with confidence and kindness, they can’t stand up to the light of awareness for long. This is mindfulness. And this is the magnifying glass of concentrated awareness: the more we pay attention to the ways we are already generous, and note the physical sensations of how good it feels, the more that helpful habit will grow.
The good news is, you can practice generosity everywhere you go. For example, I spend a lot of time in airports traveling