tell me everything. Every little detail. I don’t think I’m going backpacking through Europe any time soon, so let me live vicariously through you.”
I smile at her and sit back too, looking out of the window at the busy streets of Chicago. It’s been raining, and it’s cloudy outside. The streets are wet and people are in heavy trench coats carrying umbrellas. I’m not in Europe anymore. I’m not free anymore. I’m back home, where I have responsibilities.
“You don’t look so happy to be back home, Ella,” Gigi’s voice cuts through my thoughts. I turn to her and shake my head.
“It’s not that. I’m just tired. I’ll be fine tomorrow, you’ll see.”
I can see the concern in my best friend’s eyes. I know what’s dancing on her tongue—there is something specific she wants to say but she doesn’t know if bringing it up will upset me.
I hope she doesn’t. I don’t want her to mention his name. He’s the one who triggered all this. Made me feel like I was crazy. Made me judge every decision and choice I have made for myself. Made me question the very person I am.
I look away from Gigi in the hopes that she will leave me alone for a few minutes. Just so I can collect my thoughts. I don’t know if I’m happy to be back in Chicago yet. While I was traveling, I was free. I was nobody. Just another face in the crowd.
“Ella!” It’s Hudson. I look at him in awe and see that he’s pointing to me. He has a big happy smile on his face. He recognizes me! Gigi claps her hands with joy.
“Yeah, baby, that’s right. That’s Auntie Ella!”
I lean towards him and give him a soft kiss on his forehead.
“Hi, Hudson, my love. Wait until you see all the gifts I have for you.”
The rest of the day has passed me by like I’m in a dream. We got to their house, which is a mansion, and there was a lavish buffet-style lunch ready for us that I feasted on whole-heartedly.
While Hudson is down for a nap, Gigi and I have been lazing around in the living room, listening to music and talking about my trip. Someone brought us mimosas, and after my second glass, I’m already beginning to feel like I could doze off right here.
I’m lying down on the couch. It’s so comfy and warm. The soft music fills my ears and Gigi’s voice is there in the background. Finally, I feel relaxed. Maybe things are not going to be as bad here as I feared they would. I’m back home now, surrounded by people who love and care for me.
I get to watch Hudson grow up.
Then why do I feel this hollowness too?
My eyes flutter close and I give in to the way my achy limbs are relaxing. I don’t want to fall asleep because then I won’t be able to sleep at night. But within seconds, I’m back in Europe. The cobbled streets of Edinburgh lie before me.
I’m walking into a coffee shop. The one J.K. Rowling used to visit for writing her books. I order a flat white, and a small brownie comes with it. When I look through the window, I’m sure I see Reed’s face. His handsome face. His beard frames his chin; it’s more like a really thick stubble. His sweater looks sexy on him. He’s smiling directly at me, and I leave the coffee. I run out of the shop, throwing my arms wide open for him.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry I walked away! I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know I would miss you so much!” I’m shouting the words at him, and he says nothing. Just waits one moment, then turns and starts walking away.
“Reed!” I scream, but he disappears.
I’m gasping for air as I sit up with a jerk.
Gigi is in the armchair across from me; she’s flipping through a book and looks up with a start.
“Ella? What’s wrong?” She jumps out of the chair and comes to me. I realize I’ve been sweating too.
“I think…I think I need a shower.”
“Yeah, sure, okay. You’re welcome to have one. But I don’t think that is the problem here. Do you want to talk about what’s going on with you?”
Gigi crouches down beside me, looking up at me sternly. I know this time she’s not going to let it slide. She wants to know exactly what’s happening. When I say nothing, she continues.