were different, if my best friend wasn’t missing and we didn’t have such animosity from our past, I would have reached for him. I would’ve reminded him with my mouth pressed to him just how good our last kiss was. But we are tangled together with a history filled with so many knots, the possibility of having something with each other, the ability to give ourselves to each other is an impossibility.
“All of this is your land?” I ask, tossing small stones from the bank into the water.
He coughs behind me, but I still keep my back turned. “Yeah. I inherited it when Gramps died four years ago.”
“I’m sorry for your loss,” I say instinctively. “Were you close?”
I feel his presence beside me, but the heat in my cheeks from picturing how different this day could be keeps me from looking over at him.
“We weren’t when I was younger, but he sort of became my best friend after I got out of the Army.” He tosses a larger stone into the water, creating a rippling effect that gives me something to concentrate on until the movement of the stream evens it back out again. “I wasted a lot of time being a hard ass. Had I known he wasn’t going to be around longer, I would’ve done things differently.”
Another stone in the water, another reason not to look at him.
“Yeah.” I toss my handful of pebbles and rub my hands together to wipe away the fine dirt left behind. “Regret sucks.”
I’m no stranger to the emotion. I lived mostly for myself as a kid, but Zeni’s death in high school opened my eyes in a way nothing short of losing someone you love could. She was two years younger than me, but that shouldn’t have made a difference. Had I not been so selfish, maybe I would’ve seen the signs, maybe I would’ve been able to help. I didn’t because I was too busy worrying about boys and dances and whether I was going to get to go shopping every weekend.
“You okay?”
I jerk when Deacon touches my shoulder, and he pulls his hand back immediately when all I want to do is wrap my arms around his waist, bury my nose in his shirt, and tell him that I don’t care about our past. I want to explain that I don’t understand exactly why I feel this pull to him when I spent years actively hating him. I want to beg him, ask him if he feels it too, or to at least tell me I’m crazy and we aren’t like two magnets being drawn to each other.
But I don’t. I nod and step away.
“I’m fine.”
I’m not.
Of course, I’m not.
I’m lusting after Dani’s ex. I’m as desperate to get away from him as I am to feel his arms around me like they were last night. I want to feel the stubble on his face rough against my sensitive skin. I want his fingers brushing hair away from my face just moments before he lowers his mouth to mine. I want to curl up in his lap while he tells me that what I’m feeling is okay, that it’s unavoidable and worth all the fallout that’s sure to come if we don’t keep our distance.
He clears his throat again, the awkward silence filling the space between us like a canyon rather than the mere two feet separating us.
“We should head back.”
I don’t walk toward the horse with the same brand of hesitation that I did earlier. I’m no longer afraid of the animal but afraid of the way I know I’m going to miss him once we arrive back at the barn.
I’m losing my mind, but I don’t think walking back is an option. Even suggesting that I do would wave a bright red flag in front of Deacon. I come to the conclusion on the ride back as I try to keep as much distance between our bodies as possible on the small saddle, that it’s all in my head.
I don’t want Deacon, I want comfort. It’s not this man in particular that I crave, but the attention and assurances during the upheaval of my life. It’s proximity, not him that has my cravings all out of whack.
When he lowers me from the horse, I arrow toward the house without even looking back at him.
Chapter 25
Deacon
After checking on Anna an hour after she ran out of the barn like her ass was on fire, I discovered her resting in