lives. I was worried about Tasha. Tasha was worried about me. We were worried about Jaz. Angel was worried about all of us. What happened to our picture-perfect relationships? When we got involved with our men, we thought they were leaving all of their baggage in the streets and they were starting over with a clean slate, two kids, and a house with a white picket fence. That was simply not our reality. We were obviously looking through rose-colored glasses. Life was subject to change at any given moment. Obviously there was no such thing as perfection in life. We had to learn to enjoy and love our imperfect loves and lives while we had them. We couldn’t know how long it would all last.
“So what’s up with you, Kyra?” I was so lost in thought that I didn’t even know how long Trae was standing there in front of me. “What’s up? How are you doing?”
I smiled. “How are you doing? I miss you around the house, runnin’ thangs.”
He laughed. “I miss being there.”
“Can we take a walk?” I asked, and stood up.
“Sure. What’s up?” We started walking around the yard.
“I need to talk to you. Get some answers to some questions that won’t leave my mind. But . . . at the same time, I’m not sure if I want the answers.”
“Well, if you don’t want the answers, don’t ask,” he told me.
“Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. But if I ask, promise me you will tell me the truth. Okay?”
“All right. What’s on your mind?”
“Is that a promise?”
“I promise.”
I took a deep breath. Do I really want to know this? Lately, I had been thinking about him a lot. A whole lot. “Marvin. Did you kill him?” There. I got it out. My eyes were glued to Trae’s facial expression. I was looking for any signs to confirm his answer. He didn’t look at me. He kept looking straight ahead.
“Does it matter?” he finally answered.
“Yes, Trae, it does.”
“Why?”
I thought about it. My why. But I couldn’t come up with an answer.
Sensing that I wasn’t going to say anything, Trae started talking. “It killed me to see how bad Tasha was hurting. We hadn’t heard from you or Aisha. And then, when we did hear from Aisha and she said that you were dead, I knew he had something to do with it. I went for him, but he was already got.”
Trae is lying.
We continued to walk in circles around the yard in silence. I was trying to figure out if I wanted to dig deeper by pressing the issue a little more or let it go. I didn’t know.
“You aiight?” Trae asked me.
“I guess so. But I do need to thank you, Trae, for being there for Aisha. I know that you and Tasha have been going through your own problems, but still, you provided her with a stable family. She is so happy, and I will always love y’all for that.” We stopped walking, and I gave him a big hug.
“No thanks needed. I would do it all over again,” he said, releasing me so we could continue our walk.
“Next question. What did you think about me when you found out I was pregnant?”
“Is that what you wanted?”
I laughed. “I wanted Rick.”
“Do you have him?”
“I don’t know. Not really. I hope so. I feel like I should be the one to have him. I do know that I’m not going to walk away without putting up a damned good fight.”
Trae was quiet. It made me wonder if I sounded stupid to him. My thoughts went back to Marvin. “Marvin. He loved me, Trae.”
“I know he did.”
“He loved his family.”
“There is no doubt in my mind.”
“But I was falling out of love with him, and that’s what started all of this madness between us.”
“You stopped loving him because of Rick? Or because of him being other than himself, on drugs?”
I didn’t want to answer that question. “He loved me, but he left me for dead. How did he die?” That question flew out of my mouth but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted the answer.
“Gunshot. I thought that you knew.”
“I don’t think I wanted to know.”
Trae nodded slightly and continued to walk.
“So . . . did you stop loving Marv because of Rick? Or because of him strung out on dope?”
“It was both.” The words left my mouth, and the reality of them sank into my heart. I began to feel like I had betrayed Marvin.