and I’d build them. It’s still that way. Why do you think you can’t do any actual engineering? We can’t have someone else knowing how the sausage is made.” He hiccups and thumps his chest a couple of times. “Melly would be screwed if Carey ever left, and she hates her for it.”
EXCERPT FROM New Life, Old Love
Chapter Four: There’s No Vacation from
Communication
Relationships are a lot like houses: without a good foundation, they’ll crumble. When a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house, you change the bulb. When the faucet drips, you don’t start mopping the floor before you fix the leak. In other words, no matter how much digging it takes, it’s important to get to the root of a problem.
Rusty and I met when we were basically kids. We didn’t have the store yet—didn’t even have the idea for one. In fact, we barely had two nickels to rub together. What we did have was a whole lot of passion, and zero experience communicating.
We didn’t know what it looked like to fight in a healthy way. I’d get mad at Rusty for leaving his socks on the floor, and he’d storm out. He’d get upset with me for making a mess in the kitchen, and I’d yell and cry. Whenever we fought, I thought, This is it. Happy couples don’t fight. I guess we aren’t happy, so I guess we’re breaking up
But here’s the secret: of course happy couples fight! Two strong minds coming together are never going to agree on everything, and it’s healthy to express those feelings. But what we had to learn was that it was the way we were expressing our feelings that wasn’t healthy. Shouting doesn’t make anyone feel better. Storming off doesn’t fix any problems.
In some ways, we had to learn this all over again when the Comb+Honey brand took off. Pressure adds stress, and stress breaks down the communication process. Even though I’d long since learned that when I’m hurting I have to tell Russ what I’m feeling, sometimes when we’re busy, we forget to prioritize our relationship.
We came back to that, consciously, when we first started writing this book. We talk every night. We write each other letters sometimes. I know I have to tell Russ when something bothers me, or it’ll fester. I can’t let it build up. And sometimes, that means we have to be vulnerable with each other. It takes a heck of a lot of trust.
Before I’m steaming mad, I simply say, “Russ, I felt dismissed back there,” or he can say, “Melly, I’m starting to feel smothered by you,” and we know each other well enough to know we wouldn’t bring it up if it wasn’t going to become a problem down the road.
That trust takes time. But when you love each other, it shouldn’t be scary to be vulnerable and it shouldn’t be hard to compromise.
I’d like to share with you what we like to call SACRED HEALING. We use it every day of our marriage, and it hasn’t failed us yet!
When you have something you need to communicate, those words are SACRED:
1.STOP when you register something’s wrong.
2.ADMIT that you have an issue to discuss.
3.CALMLY express your feelings.
4.REFLECT on why you’re feeling this way.
5.ENGAGE with your partner to actively fix the issue.
6.DEVOTE time after conflict to returning to a loving state.
And when your partner is saying something SACRED, it’s your job to be the leader of the HEALING:
1.HEAR your partner’s words.
2.ENGAGE with questions for clarification and understanding.
3.ACKNOWLEDGE that what they’re saying is important.
4.LOOK BACK on your own role in the conflict.
5.INITIATE discussion without anger or defense.
6.NEGOTIATE a solution with pure intentions.
7.GROW as partners and individuals by fixing the problem as a team.
The pool is mostly empty at this hour. A group of rowdy teenage boys here for some kind of sports competition—judging from their matching duffel bags—are splashing and wrestling down at the other end, but it seems my red face and pathetic sniffling effectively signal they should keep their distance.
I’m not usually happier alone, but I am right now, vacillating between embarrassment over the way Melly talked to me and anger at myself for letting her. As crazy as it sounds, I’m genuinely sad about how tonight went down, because despite everything, I care about Melissa. She’s lost her temper with me before but never like that, never in front of other people, and always about the job, or out of frustration about things around her. In all the time