It was late – after three in the morning by the time he’d had coffee and the sandwich Jazz insisted on making him – but he hadn’t wanted to sleep over. Her sheets reeked of sex and, despite being bolstered by her care and support, he felt a little unmoored. He needed quiet; needed his own bed and a chance to gather his thoughts.
The lights were off in the clubhouse save the few that were always left burning at night to keep people from stumbling into the furniture.
Carter was startled to run into a tip-toeing figure at the mouth of the hallway. A girl, he realized, one of the newer Lean Bitches. Meg? Mary? Something. She was carrying her high-heels by the straps, and even in the meager glow of the light above the bar he could see her tousled hair and badly-smudged makeup. She looked a little shell-shocked, dazed – but not necessarily in a bad way. Looked the way he had in the mirror just a short while ago: all fucked-out.
She pulled up short, and so did he, and they regarded one another a surprised moment.
“Sorry,” he said.
She offered an “excuse me” and stepped around him; tip-toed for the main door.
Halfway down the hallway, a silhouette stood leaning in a lighted doorway; the cherry of a cigarette glowed and swelled, chased by the quiet sound of an exhale.
Carter had to walk past whoever it was to get to his own dorm. Paused only long enough, when he was alongside the guy, to catch a glimpse of his sharp-featured face in the cigarette’s glow, the glimmer of blue eyes. Tenny, shirtless, in unzipped jeans, stinking of sex and sweat.
As Carter passed, and their gazes collided, a hand reached out from inside the door, closed on Tenny’s wrist, and pulled him inside. He went willingly, his movements coiled and languid like a big cat. Carter got a glimpse of Reese’s odd, haunting face, his pale hair in snarls around it, and then the door shut, and he heard the low murmur of voices.
He gave a little eyebrow shrug – Stephanie hadn’t been exaggerating – and continued on.
His dorm was like all the others on this hall: room for a bed, and a dresser. A closet, a bathroom. They all had the same dated orange carpet, because Ghost could afford to buy up bars and cafes, but why spend good money on perfectly serviceable carpet? He’d left the bed unmade this morning, and he stripped down to his boxers and fell back onto it. Clicked off the lamp, and waited for sleep to claim him.
It was a long time coming, though.
He was physically exhausted, but his mind kept going over all that Jazz had said there at the end. He wasn’t happy. He did feel like he was drowning; slowly being crushed beneath the weight of waves through which he didn’t know how to swim. Admitting it, even to himself, felt like incredible weakness, though. He had food in his belly, and a roof over his head. Had a bike to ride, and friends to depend upon. Had all the sex anyone could ask for.
He should be happy.
He was living the dream.
So why didn’t it feel like he was?
He finally drifted off while he was chasing answers, all of them sliding through his fingers, just out of reach.
~*~
Chanel was bustling about in the kitchen the next morning, and Carter’s face warmed when he passed her on the way to the coffee pot.
“Morning, sugar,” she said, brightly, without a hint of flirtation. No winks, no sly looks. It was like nothing had happened.
“Morning,” he echoed, relieved it wasn’t awkward, filled his mug and headed out.
Tenny and Reese were sitting side-by-side on the couch, watching TV, devouring plates of eggs and toast with the same mindless economy of movement. They could have been twins, one light and one dark-headed.
Both of them glanced toward the sound of his footfalls, and Carter froze a moment, like he had last night.
There were dangerous Lean Dogs, violent Lean Dogs; Dogs with short fuses and big biceps. Guys who would kick your ass as soon as look at you. But no one had a stare like these two. That eerie, inhuman calculation; perfect blank masks that revealed nothing of their thoughts. Like robots.
The moment stretched on too long – Carter had the sense he was being challenged, dared to say something – and then Tenny slipped on his other mask, the one that was all for show, his