I just thought…”
“That I was a sex fiend? Yeah, you said. Several times.”
She frowned again. “No, it’s…” she said, frustration plucking at her features. Join the club, he thought. He’d been wrestling with this for weeks now, and still had no idea what it was beyond the most nebulous definition of desire.
“Let me start over,” she said, taking a deep breath that seemed to steady her. “Up until a few months ago, I thought I was going to marry Jason and live in Chicago.”
Jason. It was the first time he’d heard her ex’s name, and even if it was a less pretentious name than his own, he immediately conjured a mental image of a douchey guy like the one Ava had brought home from Georgia. An unfair, but satisfying presumption.
“Things had gotten so boring and routine with us, and I thought that was normal. Couples drift; the spark fades. But he was the right kind of guy, you know? Very responsible, and mature, and he made a good living. We were comfortable.”
The presumption was a little less satisfying, now. “Sounds like maybe you shouldn’t have split up.”
She shook her head. “Looking back, I don’t think there was ever anything like a real spark. I liked him. Maybe I even loved him. But it wasn’t – there was never…heat.” Her brows jumped when she said that, chin tucking a fraction so her eyes looked huge, her gaze full of intent.
“Oh,” he said, stupidly.
“The other night at dinner: if you’d kissed me, I would have kissed back.”
“Oh,” he said again, even more stupidly.
Her cheeks flushed a rosy pink, but she pressed on, brave as ever, not mincing words. “I never stopped to consider someone like you – never expected you,” she corrected, with emphasis. “You were always the prom king type, and I was the smoking in the bathroom type, and that kind of hope was so She’s All That I could have gagged on it. And even if you noticed one of the bad girls, it was always going to be Ava. I was just the bubbly sidekick.” Her tiny, self-deprecating smile left him wanting to reach out, to pull her close, shocked to hear that kind of self-consciousness from her of all people. She’d always seemed so Teflon-coated, so impervious to the stupid shit that bothered everyone else.
“Leah–”
“You’re not the popular kid anymore, maybe. In the biker world, I think you’re the nerd, to be honest.”
“Wow, thanks,” he said flatly, but his pulse fluttered rapid in his ears, and his palms tingled, still wanting to touch.
She tipped her head, smile plucking at her mouth. “Come on. You know you’re not the killer bad boy type.” The smile slipped. “But you’re still someone who is very, very capable of breaking my heart. I think that’s why there are certain guys who I just block off. I don’t even consider it. I can’t–” Her voice shivered. “I can’t be that sad, desperate, dumb girl who goes chasing the butterflies in her stomach and winds up dumped for a blonde with big boobs. I’ve always promised myself I wouldn’t do that.”
He swallowed. “That’s not what I was asking you to do.”
Her smile showed teeth this time, edged with bitterness. “Oh, honey, they never ask. It just happens. Like clockwork.”
He sighed. “Do you think I’m that shallow? That I’m just an asshole?”
“No.” She blinked, gaze darting away. “I’m assuming again. Turns out I’m really good at it.”
The blonde with big boobs can’t make me happy, he thought, but didn’t say. This wasn’t about Jazz, or any of the girls he’d been with, really. It wasn’t about her ex. It was about fear, plain and simple, two-sided. Which was worse? Rocking along at a sustainable level of misery? Or reaching out for something like joy only to lose it, and go crashing into despair?
For his part, rocking along hadn’t gotten him anywhere in the past few years.
“Why did you come?” he asked, as gently as he could. “What do you want?”
She turned back to him, eyes glittering in the sunlight, lip caught between her teeth. “I wanted to apologize for hurting you. And to explain why I said no. And to see if…” She took a big breath that lifted her chest, and let it out in a rush. “See if maybe it wasn’t too late to say yes after all.”
“To say yes?”
“I want to go out with you. Yes. If you’re still interested.”
“Oh.” It was difficult to take his next breath. “Okay.”
They stood squared