sports, life—was easy for him. “Your act was pretty flawless,” I said. “Except…”
Holden’s brows went up. “Except?”
“Except you never had girlfriends.” I felt my cheeks get hot, and I brought my cup to my lips, hoping the relative darkness would hide it. “I mean, not that I noticed.” Not that it made me think I maybe had a shot at dating you. Which I didn’t.
He was quiet for a second, as if trying to read my thoughts. Then he said, “I dated a little, but you’re right, no girlfriends. A girlfriend can get too close and see too much. I couldn’t afford that. I didn’t want anyone to see what was really going on.”
“Which was?”
Holden sighed. “Caleb was still living at home after high school. He didn’t even apply to college. He said it was because he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. He got a job as a dishwasher in a restaurant and started hanging out with the restaurant crowd. He worked until two or three in the morning most nights, and a lot of nights he didn’t come home at all. At first I wondered stupidly why Caleb was never tired. Then I realized he was taking speed.”
“Oh,” I said.
“The weird thing about the restaurant crowd is that there are a lot of drugs. A lot. It’s how so many of them stay up during long shifts and late nights. Caleb started with speed, and then he mixed in Adderall. Then he moved to coke and meth. Anything to keep him up.”
“Oh, my God, Holden,” I said, stricken. “I’m so sorry.”
He had tensed now, his arms so tight I could tell that his hands in his pockets were clenched into fists, though none of the tension had to do with me. “By my senior year, he was pretty much an addict, though he wouldn’t admit it,” he said as if I hadn’t spoken. “All of his money went to drugs, and when he ran out he’d steal from my parents. From me. He borrowed from unsavory people he shouldn’t have borrowed from. He dated various girls he met in the restaurant business and stole from them, too. I’m pretty sure he stole from the till or the tip jar, though he never got caught doing it. Caleb was charming, and he was smart. If he really wanted to steal your money, he’d find a way.”
“What did your parents do?” I asked.
Holden shrugged, the motion angry. “They denied it at first. For years. No way was their son a drug addict. They tried to pretend everything was fine for a long time, that Caleb was just a wild kid who needed to be put into line so he could straighten out and succeed. They wouldn’t hear any other version of the story. Caleb himself wouldn’t admit there was a problem. He said he was just having fun. So what was I supposed to do?”
My heart squeezed again. The hot chocolate had gone cold in my cup. I’d sat next to Holden in science lab and laughed at his jokes and crushed on him, and I’d never had any idea this was going on. None.
“So we get to my senior year,” Holden said. “I’m the perfect son, and Caleb is off the rails. He’s barely home, and when he is, he and my parents are screaming at each other, or he’s trying to steal their money. Meanwhile I’m doing basketball playoffs and swim meets like nothing is wrong. That’s why I didn’t have a girlfriend—because any girlfriend would see what a shit show I had going on at home. I didn’t have any close friends either, for the same reason. My life pretty much sucked, and I was lonely. Except for you.”
I nearly dropped my cup as my heart turned in my chest. “Me?”
“Yes, you. My science lab partner who was pretty and funny and easy to be with, who liked me for me instead of for some illusion she saw. It’s weird that I thought that about you when I pulled the illusion over on you just like I did with everyone else, but even though you didn’t know the truth, I kind of felt like you did. I almost told you a thousand times.”
“You should have,” I said as my throat choked up. “You could have. I would have listened.”
“See? I knew that. Even then, I just knew.” Holden shook his head. He stopped walking and turned to face me. “Mina, I asked you