the Storm.
IZZY: (coming into the room) Was too.
GILLMAN: (following him, along with Jenk and Lopez) Was not.
IZZY: Was too.
GILLMAN: Was not.
JENK: Guys. Knock it off. Seriously. Don’t piss Suz off. She’ll be in here any second.
IZZY: I’m not afraid of her. She’s just a writer.
LOPEZ: (exchanging a look with Jenk) Just a writer. She’s our writer.
IZZY: Dude, I make her laugh. She likes me.
LOPEZ: Look, if you want my advice, don’t do anything to catch her attention. I mean, yes, it worked out well for Jenkins. He got his happy ending in this latest book, but …
JENK: What if she decides you’re the next Sam Starrett?
LOPEZ: Five, count ’em, five books of torment. You definitely don’t want that. So just do what I do. Don’t say too much. Just hang in the background, steady and reliable. (Puts his fingers to his lips) Shhhh.
GILLMAN: But on the flip side, what does that get you? You’re, like, number twenty on her list of heroes for upcoming books.
JENK: Here’s how you know you’re gonna be the hero of her next book. Ready for this? (They nod.)
JENK: You stop having sex.
GILLMAN: (laughing) What? No way.
JENK: Yeah. No more flings, no more two-weekers, and definitely no one-nighters. You gotta earn the right to find your soulmate, and the first thing that vanishes is the urge to tomcat. It’s kind of weird actually.
IZZY: So, in other words, you meet some gorgeous woman at a bar and she lets you know she’s available, and you end up going home early and watching American Idol on TV, alone in your apartment?
JENK: Pretty much.
GILLMAN: God, you scared me for a minute there. I thought you meant that you stop having sex entirely. Like forever. I mean, I thought that was the point of being the hero in a romance novel. You meet this woman who’s perfect for you and then you have a lot of sex and get married at the end.
JENK: Yeah, except for the internal conflict, which is a total pain in the ass. And except for the part where you don’t really have a lot of sex. You have great sex, but it can’t really be defined as a lot until the book ends. I mean, these are romantic suspenses—there’s a lot of plot.
LOPEZ: Like I said. Shhhh. I’m dating someone right now that Suz doesn’t even know about. I want to keep it that way. It’s a comfortable arrangement, no crises, no conflict. Much better than getting caught up in a five-book story arc like Starrett was.
IZZY: (uneasy) So how do you know if Suz is planning to toss you into one of those story arcs? I mean, shit. We were all major characters in Into the Storm.
GILLMAN: Obviously, Jenk’s safe. But damn, I could be in serious trouble. I’ve got a major crush on Sophia Ghaffari.
IZZY: (scoffing) Yeah, like you’re going to be the hero of her book. Two words. Dream on, fool.
GILLMAN: Two words—
JENK: Guys. Stop.
LOPEZ: I know I’m not the hero of the next book because Minnie’s cooking dinner for me right now.
IZZY: Minnie?
LOPEZ: Shhh. I shouldn’t have said her name. Bad karma.
GILLMAN: Someone light a match.
IZZY: (to Lopez) You’re actually dating a woman named Minnie?
JENK: (to Gillman) He didn’t fart, he just said her name.
GILLMAN: I thought it might help.
LOPEZ: Make fun of me all you want, Zanella. You just wish you were getting some of her manicotti tonight.
GILLMAN: (cracking up) I’ve heard it called a lot of things …
IZZY: Back on topic. This story arc thing …
JENK: I think you’re in trouble if you appear in a book, and you’re not the hero, but you’re something that Suz calls a point of view character.
IZZY: What the fuck is that?
LOPEZ: It’s like Sam Starrett in The Defiant Hero and Over the Edge. Part of the story is told from his point of view, like he’s describing what’s happening in those particular scenes.
JENK: Only he’s not the hero of those books, like I was in Into the Storm.
GILLMAN: I think I’m safe.
LOPEZ: Me too.
(They look at Izzy.)
IZZY: I’m totally fucked. In the really not good way.
SUZ: (entering the room) Hey, guys. Thanks for dropping by today. I’m sorry to do this to you, but I really only have about two minutes. I’m doing an online chat, and I’ve got to run, but—
IZZY: Am I your next Sam Starrett?
SUZ: Well, Izzy, you know there’s really only one Sam Starrett, so—
IZZY: You know what I mean. Am I in one of those story arc