never see Tru again.”
“I can’t imagine living like that. I’m so sorry. I feel silly for thinking I had it bad having to run home from the bus stop or block out noise at night, when you lived in the thick of it.”
“That’s not silly, babe. You did have it bad. We both did. It was just different kinds of bad. But we survived, and that’s what we need to focus on.”
He came closer, though not as close as he had earlier, and definitely not close enough, but she sensed he needed that space.
“What I’m about to tell you is really bad, Roni. I’m ashamed of it, and I don’t like bringing this ugliness into your world, but honesty is important to me, and I take responsibility for all of my failings. I’m going to ask you to please hear me out all the way to the end and not ask me to leave before I get there, because after all the bad, there is some good.” He held his arms out to his sides, and she wanted to cry from the vulnerable, pleading look in his eyes as he said, “That guy who caught your eye at the auction, the one who hasn’t been able to stop thinking about you since that night, is the person I was up until the point I just told you about. I was the good kid who grew up in a hellhole, with a brother who loved him and a mother who had no idea what love was. And that kid, the one who tried his hardest to do all the right things, eventually grew into the good, loyal man that I am now.”
She inhaled a shaky breath and said, “Okay.”
He nodded, pacing again, crossing and uncrossing his arms, his jaw clenching like he was a caged animal readying to jump a fence. Her nerves strung tighter with every silent second as she watched him eye the door, as if he were thinking about leaving instead of revealing whatever was torturing him.
But he didn’t leave.
He stepped in front of her and planted his legs shoulder width apart, his arms hanging by his sides, though not limply. Not by a long shot. His fingers curled into fists, his muscles straining against the sleeves of his T-shirt, as he looked directly into her eyes without any barriers to hide behind, and said, “In between the thirteen-year-old kid and the man I am now, I got lost, and this is how it happened. I was following Tru’s plan, as always. I stayed clean, did my homework, and came straight home from school, every day the same as the next, except weekends and summers, when I’d make my way over the bridge to the auto shop instead of school.” He swallowed hard. “Until one afternoon when I was cutting an apple in the kitchen and my mother came through the front door arguing with a guy. He was a big bald dude, with arm and neck tattoos. He’d been there before, and I knew he was a dealer. He was a real prick. I’ve already mentioned that my mother slept around, exchanging sex for drugs, which is typical shit for an addict.” He paused for a moment, his brows furrowed, and said, “I need you to understand what it felt like to grow up in that kind of environment.”
“I can imagine how scary it was.”
“I don’t think you can, and not because you’re not capable. Unless you’ve lived through it, I think it’s impossible to know the bone-deep fear and disgust, the layers of deceit I had to carry out at school and everywhere I went, and the guilt all of that caused. Hating your mother is not a natural thing. When I finally realized all of that, it took me more than a year to work through all of those emotions. Anyway, you hid under your pillow to block out the noise. For me, it was like the gangs you were trying to block out were inside my house on a near-daily basis, smoking crack, waving guns and knives, fucking my mother. Sorry to be crass, but it’s the truth. Usually she would take that into her bedroom, but there were times…”
Roni looked down, feeling like she couldn’t breathe. “I don’t want to imagine you there.”
“I know it’s hard. But the only way to understand my life and what went wrong with it is to know every detail.” He stepped closer, lifting her chin as he